...Plain Upon Tablets

I have to be honest. I did NOT think I would be here on the other side. The other side of what? Victory. And it's not that I didn't trust God. I didn't trust myself. I didn't think I had the energy to read one more article, to synthesize one more book, to write one more word. To think. To anything. I just KNEW I didn't have the power. There were many times when I just said, "Forget this mess. OK, let me tuck tail and go home." But I didn't. And I don't get all the glory. I don't even get all the victory. I know for a fact that it was God who carried me through this darkness, this new foreign place (in so many ways for me). It was God who didn't hate on me because my attendance at church slowed while I got lost in the forest of academia and could not find my way back out. It was God who whispered in my ear, Keep typing , or who told my body, "Don't listen to that girl anymore. Go to bed. She'll be OK." And even though I cri

This time next week, I will have only two final exams to write to conclude my first semester in the doctoral program, and once I'm "done" done, there will be a celebratory, reflective post here. For now, I want to talk about BEING GRATEFUL. The Monday before Thanksgiving I was battling some big-time depression, and the Monday after Thanksgiving I was talking about being done with NaNoWriMo. Totally missed out on that great Thanksgiving tradition of talking about what you're grateful for. I'm grateful (and blessed because for me they go hand-in-hand) to have a God who looks out for me when I don't look out for myself . He really is the reason I have come this far and that I can see some light at the end of this tunnel. He never let me forget (even when I tried) my intelligence and my strength. He always had just the right word to calm me. He always knew who needed to call me, or who needed to invite me to lunch to talk, or who needed to tweet me so that we coul

Since 2004, I have participated in NaNoWriMo . In 2004, I didn't win. Can't remember what I was working on, but I know I petered out early on and wasn't concerned with the fact that I stopped participating. Since 2005, I have participated in NaNo and have won and have actually went beyond the 50,000 words to complete full novels (which will see the light of day). This year, I was unsure if I would participate. For those of you who have been reading the blog regularly, you know that I've been struggling with my creativity since starting in the doctoral program back in August. In fact, up 'til NaNoWriMo this year, I had written NOTHING. And wasn't trying to. I was convinced writing would have to take place during the holidays - the Christmas breaks, the summer vacays. So, I decided not to do NaNoWriMo and was actually OK with not doing it. Until everybody started talking about it. Until I went to my page on NaNo and saw that I had participated and won NaNo four

This past week has been an experience for me. I actually had a day on campus where I just couldn't hold in my emotions any more. They shot through my mouth in the form of words as I talked to people. They leaked from my eyes in the form of tears as I sat in classrooms. They settled onto my face in the form of dull eyes and lifeless expression. I was tired. And I was done. I could not get my brain to slow down enough to get any work done, I was having panic attacks daily, and I knew I was slipping into a depression. Had been for weeks--was trying every and anything I could do to prevent it, but I didn't have the energy to care. Out of desperation one day, I ran to my bible and closed my eyes. I whispered, "God, I know I haven't been faithful to you lately, but please give me a good word." With eyes still closed, I shuffled through pages, finally letting the book open. I then hovered my hands over the pages, wanting to feel a pull toward a particular passage. I fell

It's hard. Letting God navigate. You want so hard to be in control, to fix everything, to make everything perfect. It's like you don't even know the truth: nobody is perfect. It's been one of those things I've been learning this semester. Nobody's perfect. I'm not perfect. Things will happen. I'll want to give up. People will try to make me feel better. I will not listen to them. God will help me even when I don't feel like being helped. Repeat. And repeat, and repeat, and repeat. These days, God has plenty of reasons to not be happy with me. For one thing, I haven't been going to church faithfully, and even though I'm not the person to hang my faith on weekly church amen , I do enjoy going to church. Life has just been so hectic, so crazy that my sleeping schedule has been off and come Saturday night, I'm trying to justify getting up early to do work instead of going to church. Yeah, it's been that bad. The last several months have b

I've been real in all my posts, but today, I feel the need to be "real" real. Why? Because these days, Shonell is a bit more raw, bit more open than usual, and "real" real is all that can come out. So, what's the "real" real? I'm tired. Stop. Actually, "tired" isn't strong enough a word. Neither is "exhausted." There is no word. And no, this isn't a whine. And no, I'm not comparing my life with anyone else's. Not looking for sympathy, and actually not sure I care if anyone cares that I feel this way. I just have to let it out because it's what I feel. Period. School is kicking my butt from here to Africa and back. Within the last two weeks, I've thought about just disappearing and returning to Louisiana at least ten times. Though it's probably been more. Mind is a blur these days. Memory flickers off and on. It's been five years since I've been a student, and a lot has changed in me during

You know, I came to a conclusion recently that was quite baffling: Happiness will hinder my success . I know what you're thinking, What in the world is wrong with this girl? I know, I know. But let me explain. You see, since I've been here, I've lived on a low-grade level of exhaustion. Beneath the eyes that are somewhat open, the mind that is almost alert, the brain cells that try to retain information; I am utterly exhausted. If I sit in one spot for more than ten minutes, I can assure you that I will pass out, and I probably won't wake up for three, four, sometimes five hours. Doing all the reading, researching, writing, etc. that I do for school drains me. Not whining. Just stating the obvious. Anything over what I've been doing exhausts me even more. One thing I haven't been doing a lot of is being happy. I've just been making do. Waking up, going to classes, reading, maybe spending one evening/afternoon a week with the fellows, perhaps some sleep. Rep

Every Sunday/Monday for the last five months, I have posted at least twice - once for my Verse of the Week entry and then a longer entry on the goings on in my life. This past Monday, I didn't post. I had left church Sunday morning with the burn to write. I knew what I would write about because I got it RIGHT from the sermon. Church was on FIRE last Sunday, and it helped to get me out of the reverie I had been feeling over the last few days because of personal issues that occurred back home and rocked my mental foundation. Thanks to church, I was seeing positively again and felt I could overcome my circumstances. Well, we all know that darkness loves to dwell just behind the light of goodness, and as soon as I arrived home, the darkness enveloped me whole. The issues I had moved to the back of my mind came back with a swiftness that literally took my breath away and brought with it tears, anger, and angst. In a split second, I didn't care about anything. I didn't care about

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell[a] in the house of the LORD. Forever. (Psalm 23:4-6, NKJV) I read this, and I smile. I read this, and I feel happy. I read this, and truly, I fear no evil. And there are no words I could use to describe this verse and its impact on me. However, there is a song - "The Lord Is My Shepherd" - that has all of the emotions and description that I need.

It's hard to put into words what I feel these days. It's ALL and NOTHING. At once. Mixed furiously together. Leaving me breathless and full of wonder. And leaving me wondering - what's next? Every day presents itself with new challenges, new hills to climb, foes to slay, people to befriend, questions to answers, opportunities to jump at...and those to say "No" to. This Monday, I'm at a phase I don't often get to - one of feeling OK. And this feeling of OK presents itself with both a positive and a negative reaction from me. Let me explain. Positive Reaction Being OK tells me that I'm starting to get "it." What is IT? ME. Being alone for the first time in almost seven years has given me the opportunity to see what I like and don't like. Has allowed me to buy for self and not for others. Has made me think about how to treat myself for a job well done. Has pushed me to think about my relationship with my boyfriend and where I want it to go n

"Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him. With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation." (Psalm 91:14-16, KJV) You want to feel the presence of the Lord. Read fully Psalm 91. I can't read through the whole passage without crying, without feeling abundantly blessed at just how good the Lord is to me...because I set my love upon him. Psalm 91 reads like a love letter, a love letter in which the one who holds our heart knows how much we love him and in response showers us with the truth of just what he will do FOR us because of our love. Not only will he loves us, but he sends angels to protect us as well. And in the passage above, we even learn that upon helping us through troubles and delivering us victoriously, he will honor us. In my whole life, there has ne

Dedicated to my spiritual daughter, Ceria Friday night, I hooked up with a "fellow" fellow to see author Jeanette Walls. Walls is the author of the NYT bestselling memoir, The Glass Castle , which details her life growing up in extreme poverty and the unimaginable obstacles she faced. To say Walls is a character is an understatement. She was brutally honest and funny and sweet and vulnerable as she talked about her life, and we in the audience were very receptive to her story; every time I nodded my head or offered a quiet "Mm mm mm," at least twenty people were in agreement with me. One thing Walls talked about was the power of storytelling and how important it is for us to reveal our truths. These truths do not have to be in a NYT bestselling memoir, mind you. They can be revealed to yourself as admission. They can be revealed to another as an initiation of comfort. As she talked about this "revealing of truth," tears slipped down my cheeks. I thought ab

"Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:19-20, NKJ) My first full day in Lubbock, a girlfriend and I went onto TTU campus and took pictures. In the distance, we saw a white guy approaching us. He slowed, smiled in our direction, waved, and kept walking by. We waved back. I saw the guy stop and tilt his head as if he were thinking about something. He turned, walked toward us, and said, "God told me I had to come back and talk to you two. He has great things in store for you both." My girlfriend and I stared at one another, smiled, and nodded. We expected this to happen. The entire drive to Lubbock and the night before we talked about my purpose for being here: the purpose beyond attending TTU. God had brought me here. There was spiritual work to be done in me here

Last week, I was in woest me mode to the Nth degree. I was so sure my creativity was dead and then several people - to include professors, fellows, friends, and family - reassured me that it wasn't dead. In fact, not only was my literary creativity being nurtured to resurrect later, but also my academic creativity was in full swing. I never looked at what I'm doing now, that is being a doctoral student, as something creative because creativity for me was storytelling. Throughout my woest me mode, I talked to God a lot. I kept reassuring him that my whining would cease, that I was going to pull out of this, that I knew this was just a bump in the road and I could always get up from the fall, dust myself off, and keep on, keeping on. I could hear him laugh; he already knew this and more. He wanted me to move from thinking about getting better to actually doing better. I don't think it was a coincidence that I played Mary Mary's song " Get Up " nearly on repea

"If you believe, you will receive…" (Matthew 21:22, NIV) It's short and to the point, but it's effective. What's important to remember about this verse is what's not stated, what's hidden within that comma between believe and you . I liken this verse to another one of my faves that is also short and sweet: "...faith without works is dead." (James 2:20, NKJ) You saying, "I believe" is not all that's involved in truly believing. When you believe, your mindset changes. If you truly believe that you'll get that job or be accepted to that university or will be published, then that belief infiltrates your mind, your thoughts, and your actions. You begin to not only believe, but to think the belief is true... now ! You'll start putting forth the action that will guide you to the fruition of your belief. So in the end, if you believe -- and make your mind and actions coincide with that belief -- you will, in fact, RECEIV

I'm a bit bitter these days. A little salty. A smidgen of angry. Why? Because Creativity is dead. Well, at least for me. Why? One word: school. This doctoral program is a full-time job. It can take upwards of 40 hours a week (more once you start researching for papers and projects beyond the required "in class" work) to do all the reading and preparing to be brilliant in the classroom. And it's not a 9 to 5 job where you do work that doesn't tax your mind, therefore, leaving you feeling energetic and refreshed and ready to conquer the world creatively. Oftentimes, in fact, I'm mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and want nothing to do but some mindless activity or sleep (which is a rarity in itself). This is not me complaining, mind you. I accept what is necessary to do. As I've stated numerous times throughout this blog, it was my destiny to be here, and because of my pact with God, I'm in it to win it. That being said, it doe

"And whosever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:27 (KJV) The Message version of the Bible offers this translation: "One day when large groups of people were walking along with him, Jesus turned and told them, "Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters—yes, even one's own self!—can't be my disciple. Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple." I read this verse, and it strikes me, hard, right in the middle of my chest. It's one of the moments in a life in which there is a major decision to make, and it's a decision that will change your life completely. It is a directive that's not for the faint of heart. It's a directive, that if taken, means you know that there is something greater than everyone in your life, that there is something even far more greater than you, and because of this

A year ago today, I couldn't see anything positive in my life. I was another year older, I was in a job that would end within a year's time, my writing (it seemed) was still going nowhere, I was ready to branch off on my own again but didn't have the means to do it, I was thinking about pursuing my Ph.D. (and had every notion TO apply); but was worried about if I would get in, and a host of other negative issues. To top the negative pile off, Hurricane Ike decided to pop in around 1 a.m. on September 13th, blackening our home and leaving us without electricity for several days. To say I was miserable would be an understatement. It was hard for me then to realize that everything would come to pass and that I would be OK. A year later, I am OK. I'm actually more than OK. I'm BLESSED beyond measure. Through God's grace and his strength permeating through me, I kept moving - one foot in front of the other - until I walked out of that hurricane, I walked out of my j

Life these days is hectic, fast-paced, blurred, awesome, worrisome...and many, many more adjectives. Since school started on August 27th, I have been chained to words, a plethora of words on philosophy, technology, writing, and all these words swirl in my mind in a harried pace, and most of the time, I am unable to capture the significant points of these words to make meaning. It is a daunting task. At least three times I told myself I wasn't cut out for this, and one time last week, I actually thought about bolting from a classroom as my eyes blurred with pending tears, my heart raced, and my mind whispered, "You're not smart enough to be here." And for the first time since I've moved, I had the ache of loneliness. That day, the day I almost ran from class, packed my bags, and hightailed it out of Lubbock, I got home and realized there were no siblings to crack a joke to make me laugh. There was no hug to chase a frown away. There was no "Come on now. You go

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." (Hebrews 4:16, NLT) Yep. Life is hard. Damn hard. And the more you get on God's side, the harder it will be in some ways. Despite that, it's important that we look up and speak out to him, even if we're as down as we can go. The woman with the issue of blood didn't care what anyone thought of her as she reached out to the Lord and neither should we. If we need grace, if we need help, if we need a hug, a word of assurance, a love that surpasses all understanding, God can give it to us. As long as we come boldly.

Did you know there's humility and then there's self-loathing? I used to be one of those people who shunned every nice word from people. They would compliment me, and I would be quick to say something like, "Whatever" or I would laugh off the compliment as if the person was crazy to suggest something nice about me. Why did I do that? A few reasons... I was extremely shy, and I hated any form of attention to be on me. I truly did not know how to respond, and yes, I know all about THANK YOU, but..yeah...I'm weird. I didn't want to take the shine away from God because without him, I cease to be. I wasn't being humble. I was self-loathing. I was not validating the positive traits I possess, traits that God has infused me with and that I have , through the choices I make in this life, enhanced. And despite how badly I have disserviced God and myself, he has still done a very quick work in me and my life. Just recently, I realized how quick God has come to my res

"I have given you authority …to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." (Luke 10:19, NIV) How strong should we be because of this verse? VERY strong. God has given us power to control the enemy so that we can keep our minds, hearts, souls, and spirits connected with God and the path he places before us. Even in the daily struggles and tragedies of life, we have the power to rise above our situations to claim the blessings God has for us. If you're going through today and can't seem to think of one reason to hope or believe, reread this verse until it runs through you like blood, becoming a part of you. Nothing can harm you as long as you have God on your side.

I got up early. Had two things to do before my 11 a.m. orientation meeting: pick up my permit and get my school ID. I had been told there would be lines galore, so I made sure to get up and out the house so that I could be at University Parking Services at 7:30 when it opened. Everything went according to plan 'til I got in the car and on the road. Somehow, some way, I couldn't find the place and found myself circling one particular area three times before frustration, irritation, and tears came. For all purposes, I'm a new driver and I still get twinges of nervousness when behind the wheel, and being in a new city, a new state just makes matters worse, so in my state of breakdown, I let loose a string of profanity, turned around, and decided to go back home. Screw a parking permit. About three, four blocks from my complex, I saw the sign for the university police and went to ask them where UPS was. When an employee told me the building was right next door (and not called

Devil's truth: You Can't Win The devil likes to pick. He likes to niggle his way into the dark crevices of your mind, find the tiniest things that make you weak, and water them, nurture them until they rear their ugly huge heads, darkening everything in your path. The devil starts small because he knows that if he festers in enough of your small weaknesses, he will break you. He will make you feel and believe the whisper he sends through your mind: You Can't Win . When you get that promotion and think everything's aces, BAM, here comes the devil to say, "You can't win. The recession is still going on, and who's to say your company won't downsize?" When you meet that man who seems to make your heart sing and you think he might be the "one," BAM, here comes the devil to say, "You can't win. Remember how much your father hated you? Remember when you were raped? Remember the bad relationships that followed that? How you think you ca

"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me." (Micah 7:8, KJV) We spend a lot of time licking wounds. We fall, and we cry and bemoan and whine and complain about the incident too many times. Then, we spend an equal amount of time thinking about the incident, too. And though tears are not bad and talking about an incident isn't bad in and of itself, the problem only increases when we begin to think about others, the ones who expect to see us fall, who actually want to see us fall. When we start thinking about them , embarrassment, shame, and disappointment can filter into us, keeping us in the mess we've created. Whenever I read this scripture, my back straightens. I feel taller, stronger, able to conquer every and any obstacle that comes before me, and then stand and tell my enemies, my haters, "Yep, I'm back again because God got my back." No matter what befalls you,

Devil's truth: Black Women Can't Get Along In my life, there was a time I didn't believe this. Then, there was a stretch of time that I did believe this. And now, I'm back where I started; let me explain. I fully believed black women could get along. I had a long list of black women, in my family and friends and with working environments, who were there for me, lending an ear, offering a hug, giving advice that turned out to be the thing I needed to hear. And even though I always heard conversations about how black women were catty, and mean, and self-focused, and back-biting, I never believed it because I had PROOF to the contrary. And then I entered graduate school ~ won't even say which one, and you guys know it's been many, LOL I met a black female professor who offered to take me under her wing my first semester, to show me the ropes. "We have to look out for one another, you know" was the essence of her words, her actions. And I was happy b