Breakthrough

3:52 PM Shonell Bacon 0 Comments

Felt one...right now...come through me thanks to my sister Samara King. I'm claiming my breakthrough.



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Emotional

7:10 PM Shonell Bacon 0 Comments

I'm crying.

Which, in and of itself, is nothing new. I'm an emotional person. At church, I was called "The Cryer."

These days, my emotions stem from one important thing: I'm moving. In 11 days, I will be packing up my girlfriend's car, and she and I will be taking the 11+ hour trek to Lubbock, Texas, where she will stay a few days to get me acclimated and then I will be ALONE.

The alone part doesn't bother me too much. Been craving silence. Separation for awhile now after playing Mom for siblings for years and not having the space to pray, cry, scream, speak in tongues, everything like I feel.

The move part, however, is taking its toll. In a way, I've been a wanderer most of my life. To avoid family troubles and to, in a way, run away from myself, I've lived in Chicago and Jersey and Louisiana. Chicago and Jersey were short stints, but here in Louisiana, I made a life.

I've lived here for eight years. I licked the wounds of losing my maternal grandparents here. I suffered a nervous breakdown, began psychotherapy, and learned to love me here. One by one, my mother and siblings broke free from the painful memories of Baltimore and moved here. I had my first real love and loss here. I found my voice as a writer here. I started going to church here. I spoke in tongues in here. I was baptised here. I met true, living-in-the-Word friends here. I started my career in teaching here. My work as an editor and being known in various parts of the publishing world grew here. I met my boyfriend here (well, he was in Kansas, but still - lol). I found my purpose here.

An era is ending. This phase, that I call Defining Shonell, is coming to a close. In this phase, these eight years, I've learned me. My wants, my desires, my convictions, my morals. I have learned to put a foot down, and I have learned to lift my hands up in praise for the father who makes all my successes a reality. I know the definition of me. And the memories of how I came to be bring forth such emotion that at times I have to take a deep breath (or two or three or four), wipe the tears away, and whisper, "It was all for my good."

I know the next several days, several weeks...hell, several months will be emotional for me -- letting go and starting truly anew -- but I do know the destination, so I will succeed in going through the journey.

It's time to start the new phase -- Illustrating Shonell.

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Stressing Out

9:11 AM Shonell Bacon 0 Comments

I'm stressed. And tired. And can't seem to focus my mind, heart, spirit on the things they should be focused on.

Currently, I'm B-R-O-K-E and trying to figure out how I'm going to have the money to pay gas to drive to TX in two weeks let alone pay that $600 I have to give the apartment complex.

It's my fault - for several reasons. I've been the "Mom" to my siblings who I live with, and I've paid most if not all the bills since we've been together, and this summer was no exception. I've never been one to save, primarily because I never had money TO save. Bills were a constant reminder that I couldn't put money away for a rainy day. And now, since I've been out of work the last two months, money has been even tighter.

For a few years now, I had supplemental funds through my editorial services, but as luck would have it, some monies (for whatever reason) are not coming in like they should, money that I was banking on for the move.

Another issue is I'm an emotional spender. A few weeks ago, I came home, so upset and stressed, I immediately went online and bought some shirts and shoes. Now, grant it, I really needed these things because I hadn't bought new shoes or shirts in awhile, but I was gonna wait until "real money" was around to do it. For the most part, I'm an emotional spender with food. I'll order out, go buy ice cream, buy sweets that will make me sigh for a minute and then I'm in a fat overload stupor, too numb to worry about the pressing issues before me.

I don't want to be stressed. Don't want to be tired. But this is how it happens - a setback occurs and I began to think negatively on everything.

And then I see others who are going through in ways that are so excruciating, in ways in which the situation itself can never be reversed, and I feel bad. Bad that I would allow myself to get this way.

I should feel blessed. I know I am blessed. But today, I can't see it for the sadness and stress that's welling up around my heart.

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Faith + Action = Success

11:07 AM Shonell Bacon 0 Comments

In my last post, I touched upon FAITH and ACTION with James 2:18.

Here's another scripture that speaks to this; it's short and to the point:

"…faith without works is dead" (James 2:20, NKJ)


If we believe this scripture, then we can also believe that faith and works are ALIVE.

It's important to have faith, to have the belief that God will bring to us those things we ask for, those things that are vital for our journey.

But faith alone will not bring us these things.

We must ACT.

ACT on behalf of our wants.

If we don't show how badly we want something, why would God feel the need to help us achieve our goals?

He wouldn't.

If your life seems to be in a lull...if you feel like your success is getting further and further away from you, then it might be a good idea to chart your "faith" desires and the actions you need to complete to receive each desire.

For example, one of my "faith" desires is to sell my screenplays. My "works" (according to James 2:20) or actions to help achieve this desire would be first and foremost, WRITE. If I have no words on the page, I instantly make this desire void. After writing, I need to research agents and management and production companies. Once I do that, I need to send material out. While doing this, I can be networking online, going to conferences, submitting screenplays to competitions, etc. My actions activate my faith and show God that I'm ready for him to step into the mix and make my desire a reality.

FYI, I'm severely lacking in all the above actions for that example, LOL, but I'm kicking my butt to get back on track.

What do you desire? What are you doing in order to achieve those desires?

Think about it. Act on it. NOW.

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Me, 1...Sadness, 0

10:49 PM Shonell Bacon 0 Comments

It's been awhile, and there's a reason for that: I've been busy, tired, and borderline depressed.

The week leading up to the 4th of July, I was with a girlfriend who had surgery and needed someone to stay with her. The time away put me behind on work, but the conversations we had about relationships, faith, self-love, etc. will play out in several posts here and probably in a story or two.

Once I got home, I spent the next week sleepy, tired, and trying to get back on track. Spent a few days helping the mother of the same friend from above with her book, and I also spent time on the tele, on the text, and on IM with girlfriends I hadn't spent time with. Also found a lot of new women coming to me, wanting to talk, share issues, and seek some kind of thoughts on their issues.

During this time of giving to others, I definitely was not giving to myself and this distressed me. This depressed me. Greatly. The lack of sleep (I had been staying up 'til 6 a.m. some days to get work done) and lack of clear thought put me right on track to negative thoughts.

I began to harp on everything - from the weight gain I've had recently, to the daily migraines, to my back acting up, to the conversations I wasn't having with my boyfriend because we both got so busy and he got so sleepy he couldn't call or talk long when I called, to the money I didn't have for after I got to Texas next month, to...you got it...the list went on and on.

I was depressed enough to cry but too tired to do so.

So, I did what I did best: I shut down.

I didn't think about the move.
I didn't think about school.
I didn't think about editing.
I didn't think about writing.
I didn't think about boyfriend.
I didn't think about becoming Dr. Bacon.
I didn't think about anything but me being depressed and how I would always be so.

I even let my depression fester into my dreams, and then I would awaken and replay those dreams as affirmation as to why my life sucked.

I realized exactly what I was doing and couldn't care less to get myself over the hump.

The other day, I was talking to one of my sisters - I swear we were separated at birth - and we were talking about FAITH and ACTION, particularly this scripture: "…You can no more show me your works apart from your faith than I can show you my faith apart from my works. Faith and works, works and faith, fit together hand in glove" (James 2:18, Message).

I have always "preached" to her and anyone that would listen that God can't do for you if you're just standing still, showing him NOTHING. He wants your faith, your belief that he can do all things, AND he wants to see you moving forward with actions that convey just how much you want the things you ask him for.

This morning, I awakened with these thoughts in my mind, and I realized that with the list I presented to God, those things I had faith would come, I hadn't been putting forth much ACTION to show him how serious I was.

Normally, this would have unsettled me. And it did. For a hot second, and then I got up and continued to dwell in my sad state.

And you know, we're all going to have sad states. Life ain't about being pleased with EVERYTHING all the time. There are disappointments and all that jazz. However, you don't want to stay in a sad state for too long, and today - two and a half weeks after the sadness began - I slowly began to come out of the depression.

I had my coffee, the first cup in days; I was too depressed, too tired to even have my sexy coffee. I organized my next few days. I paid some bills. I felt the depression wanting to stay, and I got winded. I felt the pressure on my chest, in my head, on my heart that screamed, "Don't do too much. We like it here in Depressville," but I began the task of throwing stuff away and figuring out what to keep. I had a good conversation with my sister about my moving and other things. Just with her in the room, I got most of my tossing out of the way with nothing left to do but begin packing. By the time I finished that and talked to my sister, I felt lighter, like I had accomplished some things.

I rewarded myself with a nice bath while listening to Juanita Bynum's Morning Glory: Vol. 1, Peace album [LINK] If you don't have it, you owe it to yourself to buy it.

I listened to Juanita telling me to have peace, that God was my peace. I listened to her as she asked God to shake her, to shake all the pain and worry from her mind and her body. And while I listened, I felt the peace, I felt God trying to shake me.

I got out of the bath feeling lighter. My headache was gone. My body limber. My thoughts on DOING...SOMETHING.

And I did something I should have done awhile ago but had put off. I began making lists of things I need for the apartment. It helped me to realize that yes, I am moving, and yes, there is a new phase of my journey I am about to embark on. I got scared, but I kept on writing.

I feel better. I do. But I know the darkness, the sadness is still there. I feel it just beneath my skin, moving, letting me know I haven't detoxed myself completely.

And that's OK.

I know for today, I was the victor. I didn't allow my sadness to beat me. I didn't give the devil his moment to shine.

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Me and Some Faith-Based Poetry ~~ A Podcast

1:12 PM Shonell Bacon 0 Comments





July marks the second installment of CLG-E's Once Upon a Time... podcast series.

This month, I'm showcasing three faith poems: "On Soft, Tender Knees," "I'm Sorry," and "Loose"!

You can listen below and also take the time to check out my podcast site (CLG-E Podcasts) for future podcasts on writing and storytelling!





Please leave comments - let me know your thoughts!

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