It's been awhile, and there's a reason for that: I've been busy, tired, and borderline depressed.
The week leading up to the 4th of July, I was with a girlfriend who had surgery and needed someone to stay with her. The time away put me behind on work, but the conversations we had about relationships, faith, self-love, etc. will play out in several posts here and probably in a story or two.
Once I got home, I spent the next week sleepy, tired, and trying to get back on track. Spent a few days helping the mother of the same friend from above with her book, and I also spent time on the tele, on the text, and on IM with girlfriends I hadn't spent time with. Also found a lot of new women coming to me, wanting to talk, share issues, and seek some kind of thoughts on their issues.
During this time of giving to others, I definitely was not giving to myself and this distressed me. This depressed me. Greatly. The lack of sleep (I had been staying up 'til 6 a.m. some days to get work done) and lack of clear thought put me right on track to negative thoughts.
I began to harp on everything - from the weight gain I've had recently, to the daily migraines, to my back acting up, to the conversations I wasn't having with my boyfriend because we both got so busy and he got so sleepy he couldn't call or talk long when I called, to the money I didn't have for after I got to Texas next month, to...you got it...the list went on and on.
I was depressed enough to cry but too tired to do so.
So, I did what I did best: I shut down.
I didn't think about the move.
I didn't think about school.
I didn't think about editing.
I didn't think about writing.
I didn't think about boyfriend.
I didn't think about becoming Dr. Bacon.
I didn't think about anything but me being depressed and how I would always be so.
I even let my depression fester into my dreams, and then I would awaken and replay those dreams as affirmation as to why my life sucked.
I realized exactly what I was doing and couldn't care less to get myself over the hump.
The other day, I was talking to one of my sisters - I swear we were separated at birth - and we were talking about FAITH and ACTION, particularly this scripture: "…You can no more show me your works apart from your faith than I can show you my faith apart from my works. Faith and works, works and faith, fit together hand in glove" (James 2:18, Message).
I have always "preached" to her and anyone that would listen that God can't do for you if you're just standing still, showing him NOTHING. He wants your faith, your belief that he can do all things, AND he wants to see you moving forward with actions that convey just how much you want the things you ask him for.
This morning, I awakened with these thoughts in my mind, and I realized that with the list I presented to God, those things I had faith would come, I hadn't been putting forth much ACTION to show him how serious I was.
Normally, this would have unsettled me. And it did. For a hot second, and then I got up and continued to dwell in my sad state.
And you know, we're all going to have sad states. Life ain't about being pleased with EVERYTHING all the time. There are disappointments and all that jazz. However, you don't want to stay in a sad state for too long, and today - two and a half weeks after the sadness began - I slowly began to come out of the depression.
I had my coffee, the first cup in days; I was too depressed, too tired to even have my sexy coffee. I organized my next few days. I paid some bills. I felt the depression wanting to stay, and I got winded. I felt the pressure on my chest, in my head, on my heart that screamed, "Don't do too much. We like it here in Depressville," but I began the task of throwing stuff away and figuring out what to keep. I had a good conversation with my sister about my moving and other things. Just with her in the room, I got most of my tossing out of the way with nothing left to do but begin packing. By the time I finished that and talked to my sister, I felt lighter, like I had accomplished some things.
I rewarded myself with a nice bath while listening to Juanita Bynum's Morning Glory: Vol. 1, Peace album [LINK] If you don't have it, you owe it to yourself to buy it.
I listened to Juanita telling me to have peace, that God was my peace. I listened to her as she asked God to shake her, to shake all the pain and worry from her mind and her body. And while I listened, I felt the peace, I felt God trying to shake me.
I got out of the bath feeling lighter. My headache was gone. My body limber. My thoughts on DOING...SOMETHING.
And I did something I should have done awhile ago but had put off. I began making lists of things I need for the apartment. It helped me to realize that yes, I am moving, and yes, there is a new phase of my journey I am about to embark on. I got scared, but I kept on writing.
I feel better. I do. But I know the darkness, the sadness is still there. I feel it just beneath my skin, moving, letting me know I haven't detoxed myself completely.
And that's OK.
I know for today, I was the victor. I didn't allow my sadness to beat me. I didn't give the devil his moment to shine.
The week leading up to the 4th of July, I was with a girlfriend who had surgery and needed someone to stay with her. The time away put me behind on work, but the conversations we had about relationships, faith, self-love, etc. will play out in several posts here and probably in a story or two.
Once I got home, I spent the next week sleepy, tired, and trying to get back on track. Spent a few days helping the mother of the same friend from above with her book, and I also spent time on the tele, on the text, and on IM with girlfriends I hadn't spent time with. Also found a lot of new women coming to me, wanting to talk, share issues, and seek some kind of thoughts on their issues.
During this time of giving to others, I definitely was not giving to myself and this distressed me. This depressed me. Greatly. The lack of sleep (I had been staying up 'til 6 a.m. some days to get work done) and lack of clear thought put me right on track to negative thoughts.
I began to harp on everything - from the weight gain I've had recently, to the daily migraines, to my back acting up, to the conversations I wasn't having with my boyfriend because we both got so busy and he got so sleepy he couldn't call or talk long when I called, to the money I didn't have for after I got to Texas next month, to...you got it...the list went on and on.
I was depressed enough to cry but too tired to do so.
So, I did what I did best: I shut down.
I didn't think about the move.
I didn't think about school.
I didn't think about editing.
I didn't think about writing.
I didn't think about boyfriend.
I didn't think about becoming Dr. Bacon.
I didn't think about anything but me being depressed and how I would always be so.
I even let my depression fester into my dreams, and then I would awaken and replay those dreams as affirmation as to why my life sucked.
I realized exactly what I was doing and couldn't care less to get myself over the hump.
The other day, I was talking to one of my sisters - I swear we were separated at birth - and we were talking about FAITH and ACTION, particularly this scripture: "…You can no more show me your works apart from your faith than I can show you my faith apart from my works. Faith and works, works and faith, fit together hand in glove" (James 2:18, Message).
I have always "preached" to her and anyone that would listen that God can't do for you if you're just standing still, showing him NOTHING. He wants your faith, your belief that he can do all things, AND he wants to see you moving forward with actions that convey just how much you want the things you ask him for.
This morning, I awakened with these thoughts in my mind, and I realized that with the list I presented to God, those things I had faith would come, I hadn't been putting forth much ACTION to show him how serious I was.
Normally, this would have unsettled me. And it did. For a hot second, and then I got up and continued to dwell in my sad state.
And you know, we're all going to have sad states. Life ain't about being pleased with EVERYTHING all the time. There are disappointments and all that jazz. However, you don't want to stay in a sad state for too long, and today - two and a half weeks after the sadness began - I slowly began to come out of the depression.
I had my coffee, the first cup in days; I was too depressed, too tired to even have my sexy coffee. I organized my next few days. I paid some bills. I felt the depression wanting to stay, and I got winded. I felt the pressure on my chest, in my head, on my heart that screamed, "Don't do too much. We like it here in Depressville," but I began the task of throwing stuff away and figuring out what to keep. I had a good conversation with my sister about my moving and other things. Just with her in the room, I got most of my tossing out of the way with nothing left to do but begin packing. By the time I finished that and talked to my sister, I felt lighter, like I had accomplished some things.
I rewarded myself with a nice bath while listening to Juanita Bynum's Morning Glory: Vol. 1, Peace album [LINK] If you don't have it, you owe it to yourself to buy it.
I listened to Juanita telling me to have peace, that God was my peace. I listened to her as she asked God to shake her, to shake all the pain and worry from her mind and her body. And while I listened, I felt the peace, I felt God trying to shake me.
I got out of the bath feeling lighter. My headache was gone. My body limber. My thoughts on DOING...SOMETHING.
And I did something I should have done awhile ago but had put off. I began making lists of things I need for the apartment. It helped me to realize that yes, I am moving, and yes, there is a new phase of my journey I am about to embark on. I got scared, but I kept on writing.
I feel better. I do. But I know the darkness, the sadness is still there. I feel it just beneath my skin, moving, letting me know I haven't detoxed myself completely.
And that's OK.
I know for today, I was the victor. I didn't allow my sadness to beat me. I didn't give the devil his moment to shine.
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