Emotional

I'm crying.

Which, in and of itself, is nothing new. I'm an emotional person. At church, I was called "The Cryer."

These days, my emotions stem from one important thing: I'm moving. In 11 days, I will be packing up my girlfriend's car, and she and I will be taking the 11+ hour trek to Lubbock, Texas, where she will stay a few days to get me acclimated and then I will be ALONE.

The alone part doesn't bother me too much. Been craving silence. Separation for awhile now after playing Mom for siblings for years and not having the space to pray, cry, scream, speak in tongues, everything like I feel.

The move part, however, is taking its toll. In a way, I've been a wanderer most of my life. To avoid family troubles and to, in a way, run away from myself, I've lived in Chicago and Jersey and Louisiana. Chicago and Jersey were short stints, but here in Louisiana, I made a life.

I've lived here for eight years. I licked the wounds of losing my maternal grandparents here. I suffered a nervous breakdown, began psychotherapy, and learned to love me here. One by one, my mother and siblings broke free from the painful memories of Baltimore and moved here. I had my first real love and loss here. I found my voice as a writer here. I started going to church here. I spoke in tongues in here. I was baptised here. I met true, living-in-the-Word friends here. I started my career in teaching here. My work as an editor and being known in various parts of the publishing world grew here. I met my boyfriend here (well, he was in Kansas, but still - lol). I found my purpose here.

An era is ending. This phase, that I call Defining Shonell, is coming to a close. In this phase, these eight years, I've learned me. My wants, my desires, my convictions, my morals. I have learned to put a foot down, and I have learned to lift my hands up in praise for the father who makes all my successes a reality. I know the definition of me. And the memories of how I came to be bring forth such emotion that at times I have to take a deep breath (or two or three or four), wipe the tears away, and whisper, "It was all for my good."

I know the next several days, several weeks...hell, several months will be emotional for me -- letting go and starting truly anew -- but I do know the destination, so I will succeed in going through the journey.

It's time to start the new phase -- Illustrating Shonell.