Every Sunday/Monday for the last five months, I have posted at least twice - once for my Verse of the Week entry and then a longer entry on the goings on in my life.
This past Monday, I didn't post.
I had left church Sunday morning with the burn to write. I knew what I would write about because I got it RIGHT from the sermon.
Church was on FIRE last Sunday, and it helped to get me out of the reverie I had been feeling over the last few days because of personal issues that occurred back home and rocked my mental foundation. Thanks to church, I was seeing positively again and felt I could overcome my circumstances.
Well, we all know that darkness loves to dwell just behind the light of goodness, and as soon as I arrived home, the darkness enveloped me whole. The issues I had moved to the back of my mind came back with a swiftness that literally took my breath away and brought with it tears, anger, and angst.
In a split second, I didn't care about anything. I didn't care about school. I didn't care about anything I had to do. I just didn't care. I just wanted to be alone to lick wounds.
But of course, one never really gets that chance. We don't get the opportunity to press pause on life and get our minds, hearts, and spirits righted. No, we have to push forward while in the midst of the pain and hope that somehow, some way, we get over the pain.
It didn't help that I had a week in which I would have to do something that always causes me angst (talk extensively in front of others) and to spend time with others in different venues.
When I'm hurting. When I'm angry. When I'm tired, I need to be ALONE. I need time to just do nothing, to mend, to pray, to ask God to help me over the hump. I knew this would be a week in which doing these things would be hard.
As I look back over the week, I have to admit that I'm proud of myself. I didn't think I would be able to lead discussion in class. I didn't think I would be able to go to other classes and participate like I normally do. I didn't think I would get through my midterm. I didn't think I would get through my the social outings lined up.
But I did.
Despite the fact that my heart was hurting and nothing seemed to keep me in a happy frame of mind for more than a few moments at a time, I made it through.
One reason is it's part of my nature. I live by the creed of "keep on, keeping on." I always say, "I didn't have a choice." Most of the time, I believe this. It's part of my nature to do, to accomplish despite the obstacles. I don't know what the other choice looks like. I've never gone that route.
Another reason, a powerful reason, why I made it through was God and the sermon my pastor preached last Sunday.
So many times, in little ways, I lose my faith. I lose my connection with God. Something hits me so suddenly that I'm left on the floor, tattered and bruised, with no direction.
In this state, I am so weak with emotion that the thought of opening my mouth and asking God for help seems like too much. The thought of even using my mind to telepathically call to him is too great.
And over this week since church, I kept thinking about what the pastor talked about - how to stay wholly hot and holy for God.
There used to be a time when I would condemn myself for not talking to God or for wanting to be alone or for just wanting to pause the world and forget it.
I don't anymore because I know I'm not perfect. I know that this is a journey and we all have to walk it, experience it in our own way.
But no matter how long I pause and get myself girded again, I still have to get back to being wholly hot and holy for God.
So, how do we do that?
My pastor brought up three things.
1- Do not cower to anyone who opposes Christ, Revelation 2:13
My thought: In our journey to be Christlike, we are going to face opposition. The deeper you grow in your faith, the deeper the opposition grow for you. No matter what you face, no matter what befalls you, it's important to come back to your beliefs, your faith and not let anyone or anything push you off your path indefinitely.
2- You must not compromise who you are in Christ, Revelation 2: 14-15a
My thought: This can be a hard one sometimes. Because of peer pressure or because you're the type of person who hates confrontation and wants to see everyone happy, you might compromise your beliefs in order to appease others. WRONG THING TO DO. In the end, it's not what those people think they sets your judgment; it's what God thinks. It's hard to stay in faith when we live in a world that seems so corrupted, so off-kilter. But we have to. It's part of the job description of being a Christ follower.
3- You must not close your ears to the commands of Christ, Revelation 2:16-17
My though: When we are open, fully, to live and be of the faith, we can hear the Lord. And he has a lot to say. He can give you the hugs you need in times of despair, and he can give you a stern talking-to to make you realize that you've stumbled off your path. We need to be open to not only receive the praises, but also to receive the admonishments of the Lord. It's the only way we can grow.
As I stumbled through the week, I found myself clinging to this points and trying to right myself.
When a close friend called me with disturbing news, news that left me beyond angry, my initial reaction was to rail against the world and to shut down, but I found myself praying to God, asking for guidance, and talking to my friend about how we can right the wrong that befell her and her family.
A few hours before I was set to lead discussion in class Tuesday, I found myself near tears. I was panic-stricken over having to lead discussion, especially when my emotions were so high and on alert. I had girlfriend give me words of encouragement, telling me God had this because he knew I was too overwrought to do it on my own. And I chose to believe them because I knew I wasn't "right" enough to believe my crazy thoughts. I felt God breaking in, trying to tell me to ignore the negative whisperings in my ear - those whisperings of the devil. The moment my girlfriend called me, the pain of her news had ripped the covering off stress and anxiety from the last few months, and every negative lash I had chained down began to infect my mind. Kept thinking I was a failure. That I couldn't make it. Survive. God was telling me to ignore them. He was telling me to listen to him, and initially, I didn't want to. But because the time drew near for the class discussion and because I was too exhausted to argue, I told him, "I know what you believe about me, and I choose to believe you." And he guided me in that discussion.
And he guided me throughout the week, keeping me from letting my opposition win. Keeping me from compromising what I know to be true about me and the God in me. Keeping me from keeping my ears closed to him and his words for my life.
In keeping my heart, my mind, my body, my spirit wholly hot and holy for God, clutter is blown from my path, naysayers mouths are sewn shut, my ears are opened, and God will provide me with the strength and wisdom to keep on, keeping on.
This past Monday, I didn't post.
I had left church Sunday morning with the burn to write. I knew what I would write about because I got it RIGHT from the sermon.
Church was on FIRE last Sunday, and it helped to get me out of the reverie I had been feeling over the last few days because of personal issues that occurred back home and rocked my mental foundation. Thanks to church, I was seeing positively again and felt I could overcome my circumstances.
Well, we all know that darkness loves to dwell just behind the light of goodness, and as soon as I arrived home, the darkness enveloped me whole. The issues I had moved to the back of my mind came back with a swiftness that literally took my breath away and brought with it tears, anger, and angst.
In a split second, I didn't care about anything. I didn't care about school. I didn't care about anything I had to do. I just didn't care. I just wanted to be alone to lick wounds.
But of course, one never really gets that chance. We don't get the opportunity to press pause on life and get our minds, hearts, and spirits righted. No, we have to push forward while in the midst of the pain and hope that somehow, some way, we get over the pain.
It didn't help that I had a week in which I would have to do something that always causes me angst (talk extensively in front of others) and to spend time with others in different venues.
When I'm hurting. When I'm angry. When I'm tired, I need to be ALONE. I need time to just do nothing, to mend, to pray, to ask God to help me over the hump. I knew this would be a week in which doing these things would be hard.
As I look back over the week, I have to admit that I'm proud of myself. I didn't think I would be able to lead discussion in class. I didn't think I would be able to go to other classes and participate like I normally do. I didn't think I would get through my midterm. I didn't think I would get through my the social outings lined up.
But I did.
Despite the fact that my heart was hurting and nothing seemed to keep me in a happy frame of mind for more than a few moments at a time, I made it through.
One reason is it's part of my nature. I live by the creed of "keep on, keeping on." I always say, "I didn't have a choice." Most of the time, I believe this. It's part of my nature to do, to accomplish despite the obstacles. I don't know what the other choice looks like. I've never gone that route.
Another reason, a powerful reason, why I made it through was God and the sermon my pastor preached last Sunday.
So many times, in little ways, I lose my faith. I lose my connection with God. Something hits me so suddenly that I'm left on the floor, tattered and bruised, with no direction.
In this state, I am so weak with emotion that the thought of opening my mouth and asking God for help seems like too much. The thought of even using my mind to telepathically call to him is too great.
And over this week since church, I kept thinking about what the pastor talked about - how to stay wholly hot and holy for God.
There used to be a time when I would condemn myself for not talking to God or for wanting to be alone or for just wanting to pause the world and forget it.
I don't anymore because I know I'm not perfect. I know that this is a journey and we all have to walk it, experience it in our own way.
But no matter how long I pause and get myself girded again, I still have to get back to being wholly hot and holy for God.
So, how do we do that?
My pastor brought up three things.
1- Do not cower to anyone who opposes Christ, Revelation 2:13
My thought: In our journey to be Christlike, we are going to face opposition. The deeper you grow in your faith, the deeper the opposition grow for you. No matter what you face, no matter what befalls you, it's important to come back to your beliefs, your faith and not let anyone or anything push you off your path indefinitely.
2- You must not compromise who you are in Christ, Revelation 2: 14-15a
My thought: This can be a hard one sometimes. Because of peer pressure or because you're the type of person who hates confrontation and wants to see everyone happy, you might compromise your beliefs in order to appease others. WRONG THING TO DO. In the end, it's not what those people think they sets your judgment; it's what God thinks. It's hard to stay in faith when we live in a world that seems so corrupted, so off-kilter. But we have to. It's part of the job description of being a Christ follower.
3- You must not close your ears to the commands of Christ, Revelation 2:16-17
My though: When we are open, fully, to live and be of the faith, we can hear the Lord. And he has a lot to say. He can give you the hugs you need in times of despair, and he can give you a stern talking-to to make you realize that you've stumbled off your path. We need to be open to not only receive the praises, but also to receive the admonishments of the Lord. It's the only way we can grow.
As I stumbled through the week, I found myself clinging to this points and trying to right myself.
When a close friend called me with disturbing news, news that left me beyond angry, my initial reaction was to rail against the world and to shut down, but I found myself praying to God, asking for guidance, and talking to my friend about how we can right the wrong that befell her and her family.
A few hours before I was set to lead discussion in class Tuesday, I found myself near tears. I was panic-stricken over having to lead discussion, especially when my emotions were so high and on alert. I had girlfriend give me words of encouragement, telling me God had this because he knew I was too overwrought to do it on my own. And I chose to believe them because I knew I wasn't "right" enough to believe my crazy thoughts. I felt God breaking in, trying to tell me to ignore the negative whisperings in my ear - those whisperings of the devil. The moment my girlfriend called me, the pain of her news had ripped the covering off stress and anxiety from the last few months, and every negative lash I had chained down began to infect my mind. Kept thinking I was a failure. That I couldn't make it. Survive. God was telling me to ignore them. He was telling me to listen to him, and initially, I didn't want to. But because the time drew near for the class discussion and because I was too exhausted to argue, I told him, "I know what you believe about me, and I choose to believe you." And he guided me in that discussion.
And he guided me throughout the week, keeping me from letting my opposition win. Keeping me from compromising what I know to be true about me and the God in me. Keeping me from keeping my ears closed to him and his words for my life.
In keeping my heart, my mind, my body, my spirit wholly hot and holy for God, clutter is blown from my path, naysayers mouths are sewn shut, my ears are opened, and God will provide me with the strength and wisdom to keep on, keeping on.
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