I've been real in all my posts, but today, I feel the need to be "real" real.
Why?
Because these days, Shonell is a bit more raw, bit more open than usual, and "real" real is all that can come out.
So, what's the "real" real?
I'm tired. Stop. Actually, "tired" isn't strong enough a word. Neither is "exhausted."
There is no word.
And no, this isn't a whine. And no, I'm not comparing my life with anyone else's. Not looking for sympathy, and actually not sure I care if anyone cares that I feel this way. I just have to let it out because it's what I feel. Period.
School is kicking my butt from here to Africa and back.
Within the last two weeks, I've thought about just disappearing and returning to Louisiana at least ten times. Though it's probably been more. Mind is a blur these days. Memory flickers off and on.
It's been five years since I've been a student, and a lot has changed in me during that time. I was used to being the worker, the teacher - not the student.
And even the last time I was a student, things were different for me. School was all play, even the hard stuff. I was pursuing my MFA, and because I lived and breathed creative writing, everything new learned excited me. I was busy trying to figure out how I could use these techniques or theories or ideas in my stories.
And I even know about hard work. As a GT, I was expected to be a full-time student (12 credits), plus teach, plus do work in a grammar lab, plus attend readings, plus anything else that came up as opportunities that were "suggested" we take part in; believe me I know about having a full plate. I even know about wanting to high tail it...ironically enough, it had NOTHING to do with the amount of work that I had to do.
This experience, the one I'm in now. The one in which I don't have to teach or do grammar lab. I just have to be a student. GREATEST opportunity ever. And I've been lucky. I actually really like Lubbock. I like the area, the people (so far). I heart the school. The professors...man...honestly, their brilliance is tangible. When I'm in their presence, I can feel it, and I always try to secretly steal a piece and save for a dire moment of stupidity on my part. I haven't learned, thought about so much in all my life.
Now, having said that, this is by far the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. For a lot of reasons.
1- I'm in a new place.
2- I'm alone- and though I usually don't mind this, during the hard-hard times, I could really use a f2f hug and a "It's going to be OK."
5- This is, for the most part, a new field for me. This isn't like a Ph.D. in mass comm in which I would be building upon the masters I already have, or a Ph.D. in English... or in Creative Writing, where - again - I would be building upon what I already know. I don't understand half of what gets shoved down my throat, so I don't feel comfortable enough with the material to understand it, synthesize it, and use it. I'm still in the trying to UNDERSTAND part.
The list of reasons could go on, but I think you get the point.
It's hard. It's only going to get harder as I work on annotated bibliographies, papers, studies, and finals within the next four weeks.
Sometimes, I wonder if I squandered time with other things - of course, one can always manage time better, but honestly, aside from this weekly blog and the tweets and Facebook comments I write, my life is compiled of three things - school, eating, and sometimes sleeping. There is hardly room for anything. For others, there might be, but this is my first semester after half a decade out of the classroom as a student, and I'm not as "quick" as I used to be (perhaps that will change after the first semester). Most of my life over the last several months has been right here. Sitting on the chair in front of my laptop while I read and took notes, read and wrote lit reviews, read and tried to develop ideas for paper topics. I mean I got cable two months ago haven't watched a week's worth of TV yet. Haven't watched one full game of football yet. School IS my life. Not sure how healthy that is.
The last few weeks, aside from being beyond tired, I've reached this stage where I get depressed and just don't care. The energy zaps from me and I can barely lift my head from the pillow. I just want to be left alone, in the quiet, to imagine things beyond the here and now.
As this has only gotten worse, I do see God trying to keep my head above water.
Two verses I've received within the last few days have really helped me to cling to whatever's left of my sanity.
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart - Gal. 6:9
Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward - Heb 10:35
I do believe this is for my good. I do believe I have grown very weary, and I'm working to see beyond the weariness to the blessing that this journey has been for me.
I do believe I have lost my confidence. Most of the time I feel stupid and unaware of anything significant, but I do believe that if I can regain my confidence and persevere great rewards are there for me to have.
And it's because of these verses...no, scratch that. It's because of GOD that I'm still here because Shonell is bone-weary and spends most of the hours of her day NOT CARING and NOT WANTING TO CARE but God manages to cover all that NOT CARING up and gets me up and wipes the tears and rubs the Bengay on the wrists and massages the temples so that I can do what needs to be done.
Shonell would say right now that she doesn't know what tomorrow will hold for her - will she make it or not? She has not the foggiest.
The God in me, however, would say I will make it. I've already made it, and I'm just going through the journey to the end of it: the great reward.
Right now, I'm too tired to trust anything that's going on in my mind.
I think I'm going to trust God. He's never led me astray. Don't think he would start doing it now.
Why?
Because these days, Shonell is a bit more raw, bit more open than usual, and "real" real is all that can come out.
So, what's the "real" real?
I'm tired. Stop. Actually, "tired" isn't strong enough a word. Neither is "exhausted."
There is no word.
And no, this isn't a whine. And no, I'm not comparing my life with anyone else's. Not looking for sympathy, and actually not sure I care if anyone cares that I feel this way. I just have to let it out because it's what I feel. Period.
School is kicking my butt from here to Africa and back.
Within the last two weeks, I've thought about just disappearing and returning to Louisiana at least ten times. Though it's probably been more. Mind is a blur these days. Memory flickers off and on.
It's been five years since I've been a student, and a lot has changed in me during that time. I was used to being the worker, the teacher - not the student.
And even the last time I was a student, things were different for me. School was all play, even the hard stuff. I was pursuing my MFA, and because I lived and breathed creative writing, everything new learned excited me. I was busy trying to figure out how I could use these techniques or theories or ideas in my stories.
And I even know about hard work. As a GT, I was expected to be a full-time student (12 credits), plus teach, plus do work in a grammar lab, plus attend readings, plus anything else that came up as opportunities that were "suggested" we take part in; believe me I know about having a full plate. I even know about wanting to high tail it...ironically enough, it had NOTHING to do with the amount of work that I had to do.
This experience, the one I'm in now. The one in which I don't have to teach or do grammar lab. I just have to be a student. GREATEST opportunity ever. And I've been lucky. I actually really like Lubbock. I like the area, the people (so far). I heart the school. The professors...man...honestly, their brilliance is tangible. When I'm in their presence, I can feel it, and I always try to secretly steal a piece and save for a dire moment of stupidity on my part. I haven't learned, thought about so much in all my life.
Now, having said that, this is by far the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. For a lot of reasons.
1- I'm in a new place.
2- I'm alone- and though I usually don't mind this, during the hard-hard times, I could really use a f2f hug and a "It's going to be OK."
3- I had never received a word from God so strongly before that propelled me to do something. I've told you many times how he told me to come here, to only apply to TTU. That makes it more urgent that I stay though recently, I'm ashamed to say, I started to think God didn't tell me anything, and I decided this all on my own...a weak attempt to put it all on me so that I can put tail between legs and leave and not blame God.
4- Read, read, read - I am drowning in words and have no idea how to connect it all into anything meaningful. When I see others that have managed to do so, I feel stupid, inadequate, unable to do it even more.
5- This is, for the most part, a new field for me. This isn't like a Ph.D. in mass comm in which I would be building upon the masters I already have, or a Ph.D. in English... or in Creative Writing, where - again - I would be building upon what I already know. I don't understand half of what gets shoved down my throat, so I don't feel comfortable enough with the material to understand it, synthesize it, and use it. I'm still in the trying to UNDERSTAND part.
The list of reasons could go on, but I think you get the point.
It's hard. It's only going to get harder as I work on annotated bibliographies, papers, studies, and finals within the next four weeks.
Sometimes, I wonder if I squandered time with other things - of course, one can always manage time better, but honestly, aside from this weekly blog and the tweets and Facebook comments I write, my life is compiled of three things - school, eating, and sometimes sleeping. There is hardly room for anything. For others, there might be, but this is my first semester after half a decade out of the classroom as a student, and I'm not as "quick" as I used to be (perhaps that will change after the first semester). Most of my life over the last several months has been right here. Sitting on the chair in front of my laptop while I read and took notes, read and wrote lit reviews, read and tried to develop ideas for paper topics. I mean I got cable two months ago haven't watched a week's worth of TV yet. Haven't watched one full game of football yet. School IS my life. Not sure how healthy that is.
The last few weeks, aside from being beyond tired, I've reached this stage where I get depressed and just don't care. The energy zaps from me and I can barely lift my head from the pillow. I just want to be left alone, in the quiet, to imagine things beyond the here and now.
As this has only gotten worse, I do see God trying to keep my head above water.
Two verses I've received within the last few days have really helped me to cling to whatever's left of my sanity.
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart - Gal. 6:9
Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward - Heb 10:35
I do believe this is for my good. I do believe I have grown very weary, and I'm working to see beyond the weariness to the blessing that this journey has been for me.
I do believe I have lost my confidence. Most of the time I feel stupid and unaware of anything significant, but I do believe that if I can regain my confidence and persevere great rewards are there for me to have.
And it's because of these verses...no, scratch that. It's because of GOD that I'm still here because Shonell is bone-weary and spends most of the hours of her day NOT CARING and NOT WANTING TO CARE but God manages to cover all that NOT CARING up and gets me up and wipes the tears and rubs the Bengay on the wrists and massages the temples so that I can do what needs to be done.
Shonell would say right now that she doesn't know what tomorrow will hold for her - will she make it or not? She has not the foggiest.
The God in me, however, would say I will make it. I've already made it, and I'm just going through the journey to the end of it: the great reward.
Right now, I'm too tired to trust anything that's going on in my mind.
I think I'm going to trust God. He's never led me astray. Don't think he would start doing it now.
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