It's hard to put into words what I feel these days. It's ALL and NOTHING. At once. Mixed furiously together. Leaving me breathless and full of wonder.
And leaving me wondering - what's next?
Every day presents itself with new challenges, new hills to climb, foes to slay, people to befriend, questions to answers, opportunities to jump at...and those to say "No" to.
This Monday, I'm at a phase I don't often get to - one of feeling OK.
And this feeling of OK presents itself with both a positive and a negative reaction from me.
Let me explain.
Positive Reaction
Being OK tells me that I'm starting to get "it." What is IT?
ME.
Being alone for the first time in almost seven years has given me the opportunity to see what I like and don't like. Has allowed me to buy for self and not for others. Has made me think about how to treat myself for a job well done. Has pushed me to think about my relationship with my boyfriend and where I want it to go next.
What is IT?
SCHOOL.
I'm still bumbling a bit, but I'm seeing connections with everything I'm doing, and I know at some point those connections will develop themselves in ways that I'll be able to articulate. I'm realizing just how important academia is to my life. It always has been, but over the last few years, I felt it wane, and I think it's because I wasn't challenging myself, challenging my mind. I'm doing that in spades now.
What is IT?
LIFE.
One thing I've always known about myself is I'm a giver. In the past, I've done this to the detriment of self, but I'm learning how to do it effectively, how to know in my gut when it's time to give, when it's time to help another help him or herself, what it's time to step back and let God take the wheel of a situation. I'm learning that it's OK to fall and not immediately jump back up. I'm learning that's it's OK to let someone else fall and not immediately jump up to fix the problem. That was me. That is still me to an extent. The Fixer. The chick in the cape willing to give of everything to see someone happy - and sometimes doing that stunted another's growth. Sometimes, we have to fall so we know what not to do and learn how to do things correctly. I shortchange myself as a giver and others when I don't allow us to have those life lessons.
The ITs in my life are keeping me happy. Every day, I'm learning something new that makes me feel like I'm growing into who I want to become. And that's, actually, more than OK.
And leaving me wondering - what's next?
Every day presents itself with new challenges, new hills to climb, foes to slay, people to befriend, questions to answers, opportunities to jump at...and those to say "No" to.
This Monday, I'm at a phase I don't often get to - one of feeling OK.
And this feeling of OK presents itself with both a positive and a negative reaction from me.
Let me explain.
Positive Reaction
Being OK tells me that I'm starting to get "it." What is IT?
ME.
Being alone for the first time in almost seven years has given me the opportunity to see what I like and don't like. Has allowed me to buy for self and not for others. Has made me think about how to treat myself for a job well done. Has pushed me to think about my relationship with my boyfriend and where I want it to go next.
What is IT?
SCHOOL.
I'm still bumbling a bit, but I'm seeing connections with everything I'm doing, and I know at some point those connections will develop themselves in ways that I'll be able to articulate. I'm realizing just how important academia is to my life. It always has been, but over the last few years, I felt it wane, and I think it's because I wasn't challenging myself, challenging my mind. I'm doing that in spades now.
What is IT?
LIFE.
One thing I've always known about myself is I'm a giver. In the past, I've done this to the detriment of self, but I'm learning how to do it effectively, how to know in my gut when it's time to give, when it's time to help another help him or herself, what it's time to step back and let God take the wheel of a situation. I'm learning that it's OK to fall and not immediately jump back up. I'm learning that's it's OK to let someone else fall and not immediately jump up to fix the problem. That was me. That is still me to an extent. The Fixer. The chick in the cape willing to give of everything to see someone happy - and sometimes doing that stunted another's growth. Sometimes, we have to fall so we know what not to do and learn how to do things correctly. I shortchange myself as a giver and others when I don't allow us to have those life lessons.
The ITs in my life are keeping me happy. Every day, I'm learning something new that makes me feel like I'm growing into who I want to become. And that's, actually, more than OK.
Negative Reaction
Because I'm not used to being OK, I oftentimes have very painful psychological issues with trying to deal with the OKness. I'm so used to things falling apart or to the next painful thing showing up and dismantling my universe that even in the midst of being OK I'm looking left and right and upward, wondering where the attack will come.
I know some of you can relate. You find yourself playing down the blessings in your life because you think
1) I don't want people to think I'm boasting
2) I don't want to offend those who might not be feeling good these days
3) I don't want to make the bad stuff come quicker by talking about the good things
So what happens? You fall into this quagmire in which every time your heart starts to feel light or a smile starts to infiltrate your face, you drop a negative thought to disintegrate it.
Needless to say, this leaves me mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted...almost to the point I think I need to invoke another personality just to get me through the daily life while my central self gets through this conundrum.
How to Deal?
I've worked hard, for years, to strip myself of this tendency. I used to lie to myself and say it was part of me being humble, but thinking yourself "less" has nothing to do with humility. People would pay me compliments, and I would shoot them down with things like, "It's nothing" or "I'm sure there's someone better." All to the defeat of self. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am giving. I am strong-minded. I'm a lot of other things, too, and to say I'm not depreciates me...and depreciates God who has instilled these things within me to blossom at my will. Does this mean I need to go around spouting my good fortune or virtues? No, but my actions, my words, and my reactions to others' thoughts about me should illustrate the positives that flow through me.
I talk to God about it a lot. I, often, vocally acknowledge how good he's been to me and how blessed I am that he gives me what I need even when I don't know I need it. This is vital for me. I'm a person that's "of the mind." What I say often pales in comparison to the thoughts I have within me, that I keep in because of fear. God is about the only being I feel comfortable in saying everything to. Even when I'm over-the-moon happy I tend to now show it so that others can see it. But I show it to God (even though he already knows) and that gives me the confidence to say it, show it to others - their reactions be damned.
Though I haven't use this word in this entry, handling all of this is about having FAITH.
I have to have faith in myself, in my decisions, in my walk, in my God so that I can make it through the growth spurts I'm experiencing in this new phase of my life.
There are going to be pains ~ isn't there always in growing?
But as long as I keep getting up and heading toward the finishing lines in my life, I'll be OK.
Because I'm not used to being OK, I oftentimes have very painful psychological issues with trying to deal with the OKness. I'm so used to things falling apart or to the next painful thing showing up and dismantling my universe that even in the midst of being OK I'm looking left and right and upward, wondering where the attack will come.
I know some of you can relate. You find yourself playing down the blessings in your life because you think
1) I don't want people to think I'm boasting
2) I don't want to offend those who might not be feeling good these days
3) I don't want to make the bad stuff come quicker by talking about the good things
So what happens? You fall into this quagmire in which every time your heart starts to feel light or a smile starts to infiltrate your face, you drop a negative thought to disintegrate it.
Needless to say, this leaves me mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted...almost to the point I think I need to invoke another personality just to get me through the daily life while my central self gets through this conundrum.
How to Deal?
I've worked hard, for years, to strip myself of this tendency. I used to lie to myself and say it was part of me being humble, but thinking yourself "less" has nothing to do with humility. People would pay me compliments, and I would shoot them down with things like, "It's nothing" or "I'm sure there's someone better." All to the defeat of self. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am giving. I am strong-minded. I'm a lot of other things, too, and to say I'm not depreciates me...and depreciates God who has instilled these things within me to blossom at my will. Does this mean I need to go around spouting my good fortune or virtues? No, but my actions, my words, and my reactions to others' thoughts about me should illustrate the positives that flow through me.
I talk to God about it a lot. I, often, vocally acknowledge how good he's been to me and how blessed I am that he gives me what I need even when I don't know I need it. This is vital for me. I'm a person that's "of the mind." What I say often pales in comparison to the thoughts I have within me, that I keep in because of fear. God is about the only being I feel comfortable in saying everything to. Even when I'm over-the-moon happy I tend to now show it so that others can see it. But I show it to God (even though he already knows) and that gives me the confidence to say it, show it to others - their reactions be damned.
Though I haven't use this word in this entry, handling all of this is about having FAITH.
I have to have faith in myself, in my decisions, in my walk, in my God so that I can make it through the growth spurts I'm experiencing in this new phase of my life.
There are going to be pains ~ isn't there always in growing?
But as long as I keep getting up and heading toward the finishing lines in my life, I'll be OK.
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