Life these days is hectic, fast-paced, blurred, awesome, worrisome...and many, many more adjectives.
Since school started on August 27th, I have been chained to words, a plethora of words on philosophy, technology, writing, and all these words swirl in my mind in a harried pace, and most of the time, I am unable to capture the significant points of these words to make meaning.
It is a daunting task.
At least three times I told myself I wasn't cut out for this, and one time last week, I actually thought about bolting from a classroom as my eyes blurred with pending tears, my heart raced, and my mind whispered, "You're not smart enough to be here."
And for the first time since I've moved, I had the ache of loneliness. That day, the day I almost ran from class, packed my bags, and hightailed it out of Lubbock, I got home and realized there were no siblings to crack a joke to make me laugh. There was no hug to chase a frown away. There was no "Come on now. You got this. We been calling you The Brain for HOW long?"
There was nothing but utter silence and my realization of that silence.
And I cried. I will admit my fellow fellows made me feel better as they convinced me that I was not the first nor would I be the last to think I was a fraud in this Ph.D. game. They also made sure to follow that up with, And you are not a fraud.
But there's something about the hug of a brother who gives it to me because I pout and say, "Me needs hugs." There's something about a punch in the arm from a sister which means, "I love you, and you'll be OK." There's something about a kiss from Mom on my forehead, right along the hairline.
I sat in the chair in the living room and collected these memories of reassurances as I cried.
As I sat there, my boyfriend texted me, "R U OK?" Normally, I would reply, "Yep. You?" This time, I wrote, "Not really." And he called with the quickness and stepped to the plate like a good man should. One of the sweetest things he said was, "I know the God in you, and I know you can do this because He has you there." He provided me with the words, hugs, and kisses that I couldn't get in the real.
Since school started on August 27th, I have been chained to words, a plethora of words on philosophy, technology, writing, and all these words swirl in my mind in a harried pace, and most of the time, I am unable to capture the significant points of these words to make meaning.
It is a daunting task.
At least three times I told myself I wasn't cut out for this, and one time last week, I actually thought about bolting from a classroom as my eyes blurred with pending tears, my heart raced, and my mind whispered, "You're not smart enough to be here."
And for the first time since I've moved, I had the ache of loneliness. That day, the day I almost ran from class, packed my bags, and hightailed it out of Lubbock, I got home and realized there were no siblings to crack a joke to make me laugh. There was no hug to chase a frown away. There was no "Come on now. You got this. We been calling you The Brain for HOW long?"
There was nothing but utter silence and my realization of that silence.
And I cried. I will admit my fellow fellows made me feel better as they convinced me that I was not the first nor would I be the last to think I was a fraud in this Ph.D. game. They also made sure to follow that up with, And you are not a fraud.
But there's something about the hug of a brother who gives it to me because I pout and say, "Me needs hugs." There's something about a punch in the arm from a sister which means, "I love you, and you'll be OK." There's something about a kiss from Mom on my forehead, right along the hairline.
I sat in the chair in the living room and collected these memories of reassurances as I cried.
As I sat there, my boyfriend texted me, "R U OK?" Normally, I would reply, "Yep. You?" This time, I wrote, "Not really." And he called with the quickness and stepped to the plate like a good man should. One of the sweetest things he said was, "I know the God in you, and I know you can do this because He has you there." He provided me with the words, hugs, and kisses that I couldn't get in the real.
After I talked to him, I sat in the silence and look at the coffee table where the bible rested. It had been a few days since I cracked it open.
And I remembered I hadn't been doing my daily reading of Psalm 91. I started reading it a few weeks ago and promised myself I would keep it nearby. Whenever you feel your footing is loosening, whenever you feel unsure, not safe, bare, and exposed; it will immediately cover you.
So, I picked up my bible and read it aloud and personalized it to fit me. I have never been able to read it, to seriously read it, all the way through without crying. This time was no exception.
To know God will cover me, morning to night - night to morning, will protect me from my enemies, will give me the tools to fight foes, will dispatch angels to take charge over me, will deliver me and love me and show me his salvation... Whew. I don't know how I can know all those things and not feel already victorious. Not already see Dr. Shonell Bacon written on papers. It's already mine. I just have to make it through the race and get it.
But I do know how I can miss the big picture.
I'm human. We get scared. We get lonely. We get worrisome. We get hard. We get unmoving. We get a lot of things that keep us from reaching our final destinations.
But God bought my ticket here, and I have to move beyond my human ways to get the job done. It's not just about me. God got me here. He told me to apply to this one school. He told me he would supply for my needs.
So far, he's done that PLUS.
Who am I to renege on our pact?
So, I picked up my bible and read it aloud and personalized it to fit me. I have never been able to read it, to seriously read it, all the way through without crying. This time was no exception.
To know God will cover me, morning to night - night to morning, will protect me from my enemies, will give me the tools to fight foes, will dispatch angels to take charge over me, will deliver me and love me and show me his salvation... Whew. I don't know how I can know all those things and not feel already victorious. Not already see Dr. Shonell Bacon written on papers. It's already mine. I just have to make it through the race and get it.
But I do know how I can miss the big picture.
I'm human. We get scared. We get lonely. We get worrisome. We get hard. We get unmoving. We get a lot of things that keep us from reaching our final destinations.
But God bought my ticket here, and I have to move beyond my human ways to get the job done. It's not just about me. God got me here. He told me to apply to this one school. He told me he would supply for my needs.
So far, he's done that PLUS.
Who am I to renege on our pact?
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