I have to be honest. I did NOT think I would be here on the other side. The other side of what?
Victory.
And it's not that I didn't trust God. I didn't trust myself. I didn't think I had the energy to read one more article, to synthesize one more book, to write one more word. To think. To anything. I just KNEW I didn't have the power. There were many times when I just said, "Forget this mess. OK, let me tuck tail and go home."
But I didn't.
And I don't get all the glory.
I don't even get all the victory.
I know for a fact that it was God who carried me through this darkness, this new foreign place (in so many ways for me).
It was God who didn't hate on me because my attendance at church slowed while I got lost in the forest of academia and could not find my way back out. It was God who whispered in my ear, Keep typing, or who told my body, "Don't listen to that girl anymore. Go to bed. She'll be OK."
And even though I cried on those nights my body betrayed me and fell into a comalike slumber, and even though I was so sure I would be unable to get work done because I slept instead, I DID get it done.
Did I do it well?
Well, that's to be determined.
But I did it. And I did it with the best of my tired abilities.
One thing I know now and what I will carry with me as a testimony is I can get through it ALL because I got through this. This was the hardest part. New city. New state. First time separated from family in eight years. Alone. New school. New discipline. New level of education and expectancy. "Accelerated" pace of learning because as a fellow, I took four classes this semester. Everything about this experience was new. There was bound to be moments of feeling lost, unsure. There, of course, would be times when I threw in the towel only to quickly pick it back up, use it to wipe my tears, and keep moving forward. And yes, there would have to be times when I thought I wasn't as brilliant as I always assumed myself to be.
All those things were expected.
And despite them all, I made it.
And because I've gone through these pitfalls and because I lost my faith and because I regained it and because I am now on the other side of victory, I have a list of "lessons learned" that I can take with me and that will aid me throughout the rest of this journey.
And it's not that I didn't trust God. I didn't trust myself. I didn't think I had the energy to read one more article, to synthesize one more book, to write one more word. To think. To anything. I just KNEW I didn't have the power. There were many times when I just said, "Forget this mess. OK, let me tuck tail and go home."
But I didn't.
And I don't get all the glory.
I don't even get all the victory.
I know for a fact that it was God who carried me through this darkness, this new foreign place (in so many ways for me).
It was God who didn't hate on me because my attendance at church slowed while I got lost in the forest of academia and could not find my way back out. It was God who whispered in my ear, Keep typing, or who told my body, "Don't listen to that girl anymore. Go to bed. She'll be OK."
And even though I cried on those nights my body betrayed me and fell into a comalike slumber, and even though I was so sure I would be unable to get work done because I slept instead, I DID get it done.
Did I do it well?
Well, that's to be determined.
But I did it. And I did it with the best of my tired abilities.
One thing I know now and what I will carry with me as a testimony is I can get through it ALL because I got through this. This was the hardest part. New city. New state. First time separated from family in eight years. Alone. New school. New discipline. New level of education and expectancy. "Accelerated" pace of learning because as a fellow, I took four classes this semester. Everything about this experience was new. There was bound to be moments of feeling lost, unsure. There, of course, would be times when I threw in the towel only to quickly pick it back up, use it to wipe my tears, and keep moving forward. And yes, there would have to be times when I thought I wasn't as brilliant as I always assumed myself to be.
All those things were expected.
And despite them all, I made it.
And because I've gone through these pitfalls and because I lost my faith and because I regained it and because I am now on the other side of victory, I have a list of "lessons learned" that I can take with me and that will aid me throughout the rest of this journey.
That is, until I hit a "new" thing and have to feel my way around that.
For now, I'll be grateful and blessed for THIS victory and revel in it for awhile.
For now, I'll be grateful and blessed for THIS victory and revel in it for awhile.
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