...Plain Upon Tablets

Years ago, I began writing myself daily love notes, which I ended up calling #loveaday notes. It started with me using 7-day pill holders and Post-its and has grown to me using notebooks, planners, and now digital journals to write my daily notes. I am of the firm belief that if you don't fill yourself with love, it will be difficult to have the energy and resources to fully and effectively provide needed love to others. These notes often give me great food for thought. Today's note really tapped into the heart of how I've been feeling lately, and I wanted to share what the note read and what that note made me think. In doing this, I hope you find something to glean from this sharing. This was today's note (to the right): "Get up one more time... ...and then keep getting up!" This note came from my experiences of the day, which I share with you below. ======= When I woke up this morning, one thought blared in my head: "Why do you ever w...

Music often saves me. Even when I'm dead-center into some depression, anxiety, and fearful thoughts... even when I say that I'm mad at God or feel my faith waning, it is often music that helps to release those toxins. When I'm in those periods stated above, I can often be heard walking around humming. What am I humming? Gospel music. Christian music. When this happens, and I catch myself, I often laugh, shake my head, look up to the heavens, and say, "You surely got jokes, Father." Because he does. Even in the middle of the crazy here on earth, there is still -- even if we don't feel it, see it, or believe it -- a still small voice within us, there is still the Father that's providing our push, giving us our strength, filling us with faith so that we can be mended, righted, and placed back on our path to move forward. One song that I find myself humming every day (and one that I play just about every morning as I get ready for work) is Karen C...

In day 10 of Andrew Murray's book, The Secret of Intercession , he concludes with the following question: Why is it essential to be filled with the Holy Spirit before you can be an intercessor? Day 10 speaks specifically about this question. Murray starts the day with the words "Abba, Father," using them to tell us what the words meant when coming from Christ's mouth while in Gethsemane: "it was the entire surrender of Himself, even to death, so that the holy will of God's love in redemption of sinners might be accomplished" (40). Through his total surrender, through this short, yet poignant prayer, Christ "exercises the wonderful power of intercession and the power to pour down the Holy Spirit" (40). So, from the start, we see that "The Holy Spirit has been bestowed by the Father to breathe the very spirit of His Son into our hearts" (40). Christ surrendered his all, even his life, for our lives, our souls. And, as intercess...

No, sorry, it's not THAT kind of party. I just knew the title would get you here. The post IS about stripping, however, so sit back, have a read, and learn a bit more about me. I do believe things happen for a reason, so I should have known that reading a post about "dying to self" from fellow author and Tag Team Sister in Christ Tracey Michae'l Lewis-Giggetts would propel me into my own dying episode. Yesterday was a bad day for me. A lot of things in my life are coming to head. Recently, I compared it to an abscess, this growing pocket of pus that's so ready to be popped so that the poison can drain away, the pain can subside, and things can be made well. I went to sleep with a heavy heart and woke up tired, battered, and a little bruised. I went to Facebook on my phone and saw I had a response on a quote I posted the day before by poet Gwendolyn Brooks: "I am a writer perhaps because I am not a talker." A friend of mine, jokingly (kind of...

I do love Chrisette Michele's song, "Epiphany," but I use a line of her song as title because yesterday, something came to me suddenly: an epiphany. For just a split second, I was sitting at my laptop, having full-blown angst over trying to get my mind, my energy to focus on something, anything, when I got quiet. It was no longer than a minute. But I didn't hear the TV. I wasn't thinking. It was full, complete silence. And in that one-minute of silence, I heard one sentence: Nothing inspires me . And I tilted my head to the side, thought about the sentence and said, "That's it." Since the new year, there has been a change in me. I would argue the "change" started months before this, but I felt its presence strongly after the new year. But I didn't see it as me being uninspired. I saw it as issues with me. I was very depressed in January, and I spent a great deal of time being mad at myself for feeling the way I did. I struggled with tho...

Last week, I talked about the Forward March . This "movement" is a bit different. This one is about the movement that keeps your body at its optimal level, that keeps your feeling good, that keeps your healthier. Before I came to Lubbock in August '09, I was on the road to better movement. I exercised three, four times a week. I drank less coffee. I drank less soda. I drank more water. I cut a lot of fast food, fried foods from my diet. And it showed. Not only was my cholesterol levels getting back to normal, but I was also losing weight. Was even able to purchase jeans two sizes smaller than the ones I had worn in what felt like forever. And then I moved. Have you ever heard of the Freshman 10? Freshman 15 (probably now the Freshman 20!)? It's the theory (very loose theory) that when a freshman goes off to college, he or she (usually she) will probably gain about 10, 15 pounds. Well, I'm here to tell you that not only is this theory true (for me anyway), but it a...

I have a good author-friend named Fon James whose latest novel is titled Forward March . I remember doing editorial work on the novel for Fon last year, and when I read the title, I smiled. Each word in that title illustrates a movement, and every time I read the words, I think about my life and where it's going or not going and how, at the end of the day, it's about the Forward March. Even when insanity brews in your life, you have to forward march . Yes, there is time to stand still, to deal with the insanity, to listen to God and have him aid you in your movement, but the result is always about the forward march . It's funny how the mind works. I wasn't sure what I would mention here today. I wasn't sure I would mention anything. My life over the past week has been pretty uneventful, and to be honest, I've been having a fluctuating mood--moving from pure happiness or abysmal sadness in the matter of minutes, and I wasn't really in the mood to talk about i...

First full week of school kicked off last week. I'm excited, nervous about the semester. I'm excited because every class I'm taking will provide a practical benefit almost immediately to me. For example, my grants/proposal class will enable me to submit a proposal to a conference, to develop a proposal for a non-profit organization, and to develop an academic or industry proposal...with a purpose . Last semester was heavy in theory, in the foundation, the understanding of all the things we will be doing. It got very tedious, very fast with the mounds upon mounds of words to read and dear God, try to understand in order to articulate a fairly intelligent response. I've always been good at doing . Not to say I'm bad at thinking and understanding , but if you give me a task, the task will get done , and usually, done well . So though there is a lot of work to be done this semester, the act of doing is right up my alley. Having said this, the first week, week and a ha...

Earlier today, I was trying to get up the energy to leave the house and run some errands when my baby bro called. I plopped onto the sofa and chatted with him about his new license and his need for insurance for his new-old car. After the conversation ended, I remained on the sofa, kneeling upon it, arms resting on one of the sofa arms, just being. Then I saw it. The bible. It sat on the end table. Dust laid on its cover. It had been awhile since I had opened it. Though I felt something jump within me when I saw it, I wasn't sure I wanted to touch it. I always got this way when I was depressed. For nearly three weeks, I have been battling depression, and every day, the anxiety and issues that come from it have increased. I've battled depression most of my life though it wasn't 'til about nine years ago that I was diagnosed with clinical depression (or Major Depressive Disorder , specifically Atypical Depression . I went through three years of psychotherapy and the takin...

This time next week, I will have only two final exams to write to conclude my first semester in the doctoral program, and once I'm "done" done, there will be a celebratory, reflective post here. For now, I want to talk about BEING GRATEFUL. The Monday before Thanksgiving I was battling some big-time depression, and the Monday after Thanksgiving I was talking about being done with NaNoWriMo. Totally missed out on that great Thanksgiving tradition of talking about what you're grateful for. I'm grateful (and blessed because for me they go hand-in-hand) to have a God who looks out for me when I don't look out for myself . He really is the reason I have come this far and that I can see some light at the end of this tunnel. He never let me forget (even when I tried) my intelligence and my strength. He always had just the right word to calm me. He always knew who needed to call me, or who needed to invite me to lunch to talk, or who needed to tweet me so that we coul...

This past week has been an experience for me. I actually had a day on campus where I just couldn't hold in my emotions any more. They shot through my mouth in the form of words as I talked to people. They leaked from my eyes in the form of tears as I sat in classrooms. They settled onto my face in the form of dull eyes and lifeless expression. I was tired. And I was done. I could not get my brain to slow down enough to get any work done, I was having panic attacks daily, and I knew I was slipping into a depression. Had been for weeks--was trying every and anything I could do to prevent it, but I didn't have the energy to care. Out of desperation one day, I ran to my bible and closed my eyes. I whispered, "God, I know I haven't been faithful to you lately, but please give me a good word." With eyes still closed, I shuffled through pages, finally letting the book open. I then hovered my hands over the pages, wanting to feel a pull toward a particular passage. I fell...

I've been real in all my posts, but today, I feel the need to be "real" real. Why? Because these days, Shonell is a bit more raw, bit more open than usual, and "real" real is all that can come out. So, what's the "real" real? I'm tired. Stop. Actually, "tired" isn't strong enough a word. Neither is "exhausted." There is no word. And no, this isn't a whine. And no, I'm not comparing my life with anyone else's. Not looking for sympathy, and actually not sure I care if anyone cares that I feel this way. I just have to let it out because it's what I feel. Period. School is kicking my butt from here to Africa and back. Within the last two weeks, I've thought about just disappearing and returning to Louisiana at least ten times. Though it's probably been more. Mind is a blur these days. Memory flickers off and on. It's been five years since I've been a student, and a lot has changed in me during...

It's been awhile, and there's a reason for that: I've been busy, tired, and borderline depressed. The week leading up to the 4th of July, I was with a girlfriend who had surgery and needed someone to stay with her. The time away put me behind on work, but the conversations we had about relationships, faith, self-love, etc. will play out in several posts here and probably in a story or two. Once I got home, I spent the next week sleepy, tired, and trying to get back on track. Spent a few days helping the mother of the same friend from above with her book, and I also spent time on the tele, on the text, and on IM with girlfriends I hadn't spent time with. Also found a lot of new women coming to me, wanting to talk, share issues, and seek some kind of thoughts on their issues. During this time of giving to others, I definitely was not giving to myself and this distressed me. This depressed me. Greatly. The lack of sleep (I had been staying up 'til 6 a.m. some day...