...Plain Upon Tablets

Music often saves me. Even when I'm dead-center into some depression, anxiety, and fearful thoughts... even when I say that I'm mad at God or feel my faith waning, it is often music that helps to release those toxins. When I'm in those periods stated above, I can often be heard walking around humming. What am I humming? Gospel music. Christian music. When this happens, and I catch myself, I often laugh, shake my head, look up to the heavens, and say, "You surely got jokes, Father." Because he does. Even in the middle of the crazy here on earth, there is still -- even if we don't feel it, see it, or believe it -- a still small voice within us, there is still the Father that's providing our push, giving us our strength, filling us with faith so that we can be mended, righted, and placed back on our path to move forward. One song that I find myself humming every day (and one that I play just about every morning as I get ready for work) is Karen C...

I have a good author-friend named Fon James whose latest novel is titled Forward March . I remember doing editorial work on the novel for Fon last year, and when I read the title, I smiled. Each word in that title illustrates a movement, and every time I read the words, I think about my life and where it's going or not going and how, at the end of the day, it's about the Forward March. Even when insanity brews in your life, you have to forward march . Yes, there is time to stand still, to deal with the insanity, to listen to God and have him aid you in your movement, but the result is always about the forward march . It's funny how the mind works. I wasn't sure what I would mention here today. I wasn't sure I would mention anything. My life over the past week has been pretty uneventful, and to be honest, I've been having a fluctuating mood--moving from pure happiness or abysmal sadness in the matter of minutes, and I wasn't really in the mood to talk about i...

I've been real in all my posts, but today, I feel the need to be "real" real. Why? Because these days, Shonell is a bit more raw, bit more open than usual, and "real" real is all that can come out. So, what's the "real" real? I'm tired. Stop. Actually, "tired" isn't strong enough a word. Neither is "exhausted." There is no word. And no, this isn't a whine. And no, I'm not comparing my life with anyone else's. Not looking for sympathy, and actually not sure I care if anyone cares that I feel this way. I just have to let it out because it's what I feel. Period. School is kicking my butt from here to Africa and back. Within the last two weeks, I've thought about just disappearing and returning to Louisiana at least ten times. Though it's probably been more. Mind is a blur these days. Memory flickers off and on. It's been five years since I've been a student, and a lot has changed in me during...

Life these days is hectic, fast-paced, blurred, awesome, worrisome...and many, many more adjectives. Since school started on August 27th, I have been chained to words, a plethora of words on philosophy, technology, writing, and all these words swirl in my mind in a harried pace, and most of the time, I am unable to capture the significant points of these words to make meaning. It is a daunting task. At least three times I told myself I wasn't cut out for this, and one time last week, I actually thought about bolting from a classroom as my eyes blurred with pending tears, my heart raced, and my mind whispered, "You're not smart enough to be here." And for the first time since I've moved, I had the ache of loneliness. That day, the day I almost ran from class, packed my bags, and hightailed it out of Lubbock, I got home and realized there were no siblings to crack a joke to make me laugh. There was no hug to chase a frown away. There was no "Come on now. You go...

Doubt is that ex-girlfriend of Joy that refuses to go away. Like the devil, it used to be angelic, which is why Joy (like God) loved it, but then negativity and evil began to fester within Doubt, and Joy had to kick it to the curb...much like God did the devil. And like the devil, Doubt likes to rear its ugly head, especially when things seem to be going well and you're, dare I say...happy. This is me today. My brain, for most of my life, has been trained to accept defeat. This is worse than crying and being hurt over it. At least the latter shows emotion. When you're trained to accept defeat, all you do is shrug, say, "Figures," and keep on keeping on. Reconnecting with God in a major way a few years ago and being baptized on August 20, 2007, brought Doubt to my life in a major way because now I had faith, now I had expectancy; I expected great things to happen because I had faith, because I moved in that faith. And the devil hated it. And so did Doubt. Today, f...