...Plain Upon Tablets

I. Am. Tired. This is a major truth for me these days. I am physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, socially, spiritually (every "-ally" you can find) tired. The month of May was one in which so many things took place, ending in an ultimate pain and sadness that I know will take awhile to deal with. I dealt with the end of a semester that was painful and wrong on a few levels, I dealt with my first May Seminar class, which started right as the painfully wrong semester was ending, I dealt with pressures of a personal online project I took on and that kept me stressed, and I dealt with learning that my father was gravely ill and eventually had passed. Some might wonder why I would put my dad last on this list. Surely he was more important than everything else, and this is true. But what the above is, is a culmination of pain, stress, and exhaustion that exploded with the death of my father. During May, I didn't go to church. Didn't once open my bible. And I...

I do love Chrisette Michele's song, "Epiphany," but I use a line of her song as title because yesterday, something came to me suddenly: an epiphany. For just a split second, I was sitting at my laptop, having full-blown angst over trying to get my mind, my energy to focus on something, anything, when I got quiet. It was no longer than a minute. But I didn't hear the TV. I wasn't thinking. It was full, complete silence. And in that one-minute of silence, I heard one sentence: Nothing inspires me . And I tilted my head to the side, thought about the sentence and said, "That's it." Since the new year, there has been a change in me. I would argue the "change" started months before this, but I felt its presence strongly after the new year. But I didn't see it as me being uninspired. I saw it as issues with me. I was very depressed in January, and I spent a great deal of time being mad at myself for feeling the way I did. I struggled with tho...

Earlier today, I was trying to get up the energy to leave the house and run some errands when my baby bro called. I plopped onto the sofa and chatted with him about his new license and his need for insurance for his new-old car. After the conversation ended, I remained on the sofa, kneeling upon it, arms resting on one of the sofa arms, just being. Then I saw it. The bible. It sat on the end table. Dust laid on its cover. It had been awhile since I had opened it. Though I felt something jump within me when I saw it, I wasn't sure I wanted to touch it. I always got this way when I was depressed. For nearly three weeks, I have been battling depression, and every day, the anxiety and issues that come from it have increased. I've battled depression most of my life though it wasn't 'til about nine years ago that I was diagnosed with clinical depression (or Major Depressive Disorder , specifically Atypical Depression . I went through three years of psychotherapy and the takin...

I've been real in all my posts, but today, I feel the need to be "real" real. Why? Because these days, Shonell is a bit more raw, bit more open than usual, and "real" real is all that can come out. So, what's the "real" real? I'm tired. Stop. Actually, "tired" isn't strong enough a word. Neither is "exhausted." There is no word. And no, this isn't a whine. And no, I'm not comparing my life with anyone else's. Not looking for sympathy, and actually not sure I care if anyone cares that I feel this way. I just have to let it out because it's what I feel. Period. School is kicking my butt from here to Africa and back. Within the last two weeks, I've thought about just disappearing and returning to Louisiana at least ten times. Though it's probably been more. Mind is a blur these days. Memory flickers off and on. It's been five years since I've been a student, and a lot has changed in me during...

I'm a bit bitter these days. A little salty. A smidgen of angry. Why? Because Creativity is dead. Well, at least for me. Why? One word: school. This doctoral program is a full-time job. It can take upwards of 40 hours a week (more once you start researching for papers and projects beyond the required "in class" work) to do all the reading and preparing to be brilliant in the classroom. And it's not a 9 to 5 job where you do work that doesn't tax your mind, therefore, leaving you feeling energetic and refreshed and ready to conquer the world creatively. Oftentimes, in fact, I'm mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and want nothing to do but some mindless activity or sleep (which is a rarity in itself). This is not me complaining, mind you. I accept what is necessary to do. As I've stated numerous times throughout this blog, it was my destiny to be here, and because of my pact with God, I'm in it to win it. That being said, it doe...

I'm stressed. And tired. And can't seem to focus my mind, heart, spirit on the things they should be focused on. Currently, I'm B-R-O-K-E and trying to figure out how I'm going to have the money to pay gas to drive to TX in two weeks let alone pay that $600 I have to give the apartment complex. It's my fault - for several reasons. I've been the "Mom" to my siblings who I live with, and I've paid most if not all the bills since we've been together, and this summer was no exception. I've never been one to save, primarily because I never had money TO save. Bills were a constant reminder that I couldn't put money away for a rainy day. And now, since I've been out of work the last two months, money has been even tighter. For a few years now, I had supplemental funds through my editorial services, but as luck would have it, some monies (for whatever reason) are not coming in like they should, money that I was banking on for the move...