Stressing Out

I'm stressed. And tired. And can't seem to focus my mind, heart, spirit on the things they should be focused on.

Currently, I'm B-R-O-K-E and trying to figure out how I'm going to have the money to pay gas to drive to TX in two weeks let alone pay that $600 I have to give the apartment complex.

It's my fault - for several reasons. I've been the "Mom" to my siblings who I live with, and I've paid most if not all the bills since we've been together, and this summer was no exception. I've never been one to save, primarily because I never had money TO save. Bills were a constant reminder that I couldn't put money away for a rainy day. And now, since I've been out of work the last two months, money has been even tighter.

For a few years now, I had supplemental funds through my editorial services, but as luck would have it, some monies (for whatever reason) are not coming in like they should, money that I was banking on for the move.

Another issue is I'm an emotional spender. A few weeks ago, I came home, so upset and stressed, I immediately went online and bought some shirts and shoes. Now, grant it, I really needed these things because I hadn't bought new shoes or shirts in awhile, but I was gonna wait until "real money" was around to do it. For the most part, I'm an emotional spender with food. I'll order out, go buy ice cream, buy sweets that will make me sigh for a minute and then I'm in a fat overload stupor, too numb to worry about the pressing issues before me.

I don't want to be stressed. Don't want to be tired. But this is how it happens - a setback occurs and I began to think negatively on everything.

And then I see others who are going through in ways that are so excruciating, in ways in which the situation itself can never be reversed, and I feel bad. Bad that I would allow myself to get this way.

I should feel blessed. I know I am blessed. But today, I can't see it for the sadness and stress that's welling up around my heart.