...Plain Upon Tablets

I sit, lethargic, before my computer, staring at the screen with a mind that is active but a body that wishes not to be put into motion. In my right ear, I hear, "What's going on?" I shrug as I feel the tears build because I know he hears me. ME: Don't think I can do this. GOD: Do what? ME: This, this Ph.D. I mean, you and I both know I'm going to if for no other reason than I hate to disappoint, and I fear people looking at my differently. GOD: Even though I told you it's not about what others think--it's about the good path you've chosen to take and the missions that must be accomplished while on that path...? ME: Basically. (sighs) I just don't think I'm smart enough. I'm not really smart, you know? I think I play smart well, but I don't embody it all that much. Silence ensues, and I look around, sit still, hoping to hear him again. Finally, he sighs, and I feel his hand on my back. I sob. GOD: Didn't I tell...

I. Am. Tired. This is a major truth for me these days. I am physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, socially, spiritually (every "-ally" you can find) tired. The month of May was one in which so many things took place, ending in an ultimate pain and sadness that I know will take awhile to deal with. I dealt with the end of a semester that was painful and wrong on a few levels, I dealt with my first May Seminar class, which started right as the painfully wrong semester was ending, I dealt with pressures of a personal online project I took on and that kept me stressed, and I dealt with learning that my father was gravely ill and eventually had passed. Some might wonder why I would put my dad last on this list. Surely he was more important than everything else, and this is true. But what the above is, is a culmination of pain, stress, and exhaustion that exploded with the death of my father. During May, I didn't go to church. Didn't once open my bible. And I...

Yes. It's been awhile. I've been beyond swamped with the 50-11 things I give myself to do: school, editing, writing, and many more things I'm just too tired to even bring up. I've wanted to write, really. It's been very cathartic to sit here every Monday and let words rush out of me that reveal my heart and my feelings instead of something that's purely academic. But when you write so much and spend so much time working on other projects, the thought of sitting before the laptop to write one more thing can be the breaking point. I didn't want to break. Well, I'm about three weeks away from completing my first year of doctoral work--more on that in later posts. Haven't really taken the time to sit, to reflect, to pat self on back for a job well done yet. Besides, got GRADES still to receive for this semester! Like I said above, I've been busy--with stuff. Last night at church, the pastor preached a message that struck me right in the center of m...

It’s been about a year since I’ve been in a classroom as a teacher. With the heavy course load I have my first year of doctoral work, I can’t say I’m overly sad to not be a teacher. But today, I miss it. Why? I miss the students like me that I saw walking into the classroom. Every semester there was a handful, and while teaching underprepared and underrepresented students through the Louisiana Academy for Innovative Teaching and Learning (LAITL) program at McNeese State University, I saw many students just. like. me. I was a first-generation student, which meant I had no one in my family to help me through the process of applying to schools, of applying for financial aid, of starting school, and most importantly, of staying in school. I was fairly smart in high school; I had a lot going for me besides book smarts, such as singing (initially, going into undergrad, I wanted to major in music, become an opera singer, and then a music teacher) and sports (loved softball, soccer, and lax)...

I have a good author-friend named Fon James whose latest novel is titled Forward March . I remember doing editorial work on the novel for Fon last year, and when I read the title, I smiled. Each word in that title illustrates a movement, and every time I read the words, I think about my life and where it's going or not going and how, at the end of the day, it's about the Forward March. Even when insanity brews in your life, you have to forward march . Yes, there is time to stand still, to deal with the insanity, to listen to God and have him aid you in your movement, but the result is always about the forward march . It's funny how the mind works. I wasn't sure what I would mention here today. I wasn't sure I would mention anything. My life over the past week has been pretty uneventful, and to be honest, I've been having a fluctuating mood--moving from pure happiness or abysmal sadness in the matter of minutes, and I wasn't really in the mood to talk about i...

First full week of school kicked off last week. I'm excited, nervous about the semester. I'm excited because every class I'm taking will provide a practical benefit almost immediately to me. For example, my grants/proposal class will enable me to submit a proposal to a conference, to develop a proposal for a non-profit organization, and to develop an academic or industry proposal...with a purpose . Last semester was heavy in theory, in the foundation, the understanding of all the things we will be doing. It got very tedious, very fast with the mounds upon mounds of words to read and dear God, try to understand in order to articulate a fairly intelligent response. I've always been good at doing . Not to say I'm bad at thinking and understanding , but if you give me a task, the task will get done , and usually, done well . So though there is a lot of work to be done this semester, the act of doing is right up my alley. Having said this, the first week, week and a ha...

Happy New Year, Everyone! I've been on (and still am on) vacay, so I was away from the blog, but I plan to get back into the swing of things - especially with me going back to Lubbock at the end of the week and with school starting next week. If you follow me on any of the social watering holes like Twitter {I'm HERE }, Facebook {and HERE }, and MySpace {and HERE , too!}, you know that the semester ended pretty well for me. Despite my issues and wishes to flee Lubbock for Lake Charles, I finished the semester with great grades and even a few papers that sparked me into General Dissertation Thoughts. Always a good thing. The biggest thing I learned over this semester was if I could succeed when I felt so overwhelmed, so unstructured, so unprepared, so un-everything, then with more organization and preparation (and heavy, heavy doses of God and prayers), I can shoot for beyond the stars. I'm nervous and excited about the new semester. Why? Well, though I'm happy to be tak...

This time next week, I will have only two final exams to write to conclude my first semester in the doctoral program, and once I'm "done" done, there will be a celebratory, reflective post here. For now, I want to talk about BEING GRATEFUL. The Monday before Thanksgiving I was battling some big-time depression, and the Monday after Thanksgiving I was talking about being done with NaNoWriMo. Totally missed out on that great Thanksgiving tradition of talking about what you're grateful for. I'm grateful (and blessed because for me they go hand-in-hand) to have a God who looks out for me when I don't look out for myself . He really is the reason I have come this far and that I can see some light at the end of this tunnel. He never let me forget (even when I tried) my intelligence and my strength. He always had just the right word to calm me. He always knew who needed to call me, or who needed to invite me to lunch to talk, or who needed to tweet me so that we coul...

Since 2004, I have participated in NaNoWriMo . In 2004, I didn't win. Can't remember what I was working on, but I know I petered out early on and wasn't concerned with the fact that I stopped participating. Since 2005, I have participated in NaNo and have won and have actually went beyond the 50,000 words to complete full novels (which will see the light of day). This year, I was unsure if I would participate. For those of you who have been reading the blog regularly, you know that I've been struggling with my creativity since starting in the doctoral program back in August. In fact, up 'til NaNoWriMo this year, I had written NOTHING. And wasn't trying to. I was convinced writing would have to take place during the holidays - the Christmas breaks, the summer vacays. So, I decided not to do NaNoWriMo and was actually OK with not doing it. Until everybody started talking about it. Until I went to my page on NaNo and saw that I had participated and won NaNo four...

It's hard. Letting God navigate. You want so hard to be in control, to fix everything, to make everything perfect. It's like you don't even know the truth: nobody is perfect. It's been one of those things I've been learning this semester. Nobody's perfect. I'm not perfect. Things will happen. I'll want to give up. People will try to make me feel better. I will not listen to them. God will help me even when I don't feel like being helped. Repeat. And repeat, and repeat, and repeat. These days, God has plenty of reasons to not be happy with me. For one thing, I haven't been going to church faithfully, and even though I'm not the person to hang my faith on weekly church amen , I do enjoy going to church. Life has just been so hectic, so crazy that my sleeping schedule has been off and come Saturday night, I'm trying to justify getting up early to do work instead of going to church. Yeah, it's been that bad. The last several months have b...

I've been real in all my posts, but today, I feel the need to be "real" real. Why? Because these days, Shonell is a bit more raw, bit more open than usual, and "real" real is all that can come out. So, what's the "real" real? I'm tired. Stop. Actually, "tired" isn't strong enough a word. Neither is "exhausted." There is no word. And no, this isn't a whine. And no, I'm not comparing my life with anyone else's. Not looking for sympathy, and actually not sure I care if anyone cares that I feel this way. I just have to let it out because it's what I feel. Period. School is kicking my butt from here to Africa and back. Within the last two weeks, I've thought about just disappearing and returning to Louisiana at least ten times. Though it's probably been more. Mind is a blur these days. Memory flickers off and on. It's been five years since I've been a student, and a lot has changed in me during...

You know, I came to a conclusion recently that was quite baffling: Happiness will hinder my success . I know what you're thinking, What in the world is wrong with this girl? I know, I know. But let me explain. You see, since I've been here, I've lived on a low-grade level of exhaustion. Beneath the eyes that are somewhat open, the mind that is almost alert, the brain cells that try to retain information; I am utterly exhausted. If I sit in one spot for more than ten minutes, I can assure you that I will pass out, and I probably won't wake up for three, four, sometimes five hours. Doing all the reading, researching, writing, etc. that I do for school drains me. Not whining. Just stating the obvious. Anything over what I've been doing exhausts me even more. One thing I haven't been doing a lot of is being happy. I've just been making do. Waking up, going to classes, reading, maybe spending one evening/afternoon a week with the fellows, perhaps some sleep. Rep...

Every Sunday/Monday for the last five months, I have posted at least twice - once for my Verse of the Week entry and then a longer entry on the goings on in my life. This past Monday, I didn't post. I had left church Sunday morning with the burn to write. I knew what I would write about because I got it RIGHT from the sermon. Church was on FIRE last Sunday, and it helped to get me out of the reverie I had been feeling over the last few days because of personal issues that occurred back home and rocked my mental foundation. Thanks to church, I was seeing positively again and felt I could overcome my circumstances. Well, we all know that darkness loves to dwell just behind the light of goodness, and as soon as I arrived home, the darkness enveloped me whole. The issues I had moved to the back of my mind came back with a swiftness that literally took my breath away and brought with it tears, anger, and angst. In a split second, I didn't care about anything. I didn't care about...

It's hard to put into words what I feel these days. It's ALL and NOTHING. At once. Mixed furiously together. Leaving me breathless and full of wonder. And leaving me wondering - what's next? Every day presents itself with new challenges, new hills to climb, foes to slay, people to befriend, questions to answers, opportunities to jump at...and those to say "No" to. This Monday, I'm at a phase I don't often get to - one of feeling OK. And this feeling of OK presents itself with both a positive and a negative reaction from me. Let me explain. Positive Reaction Being OK tells me that I'm starting to get "it." What is IT? ME. Being alone for the first time in almost seven years has given me the opportunity to see what I like and don't like. Has allowed me to buy for self and not for others. Has made me think about how to treat myself for a job well done. Has pushed me to think about my relationship with my boyfriend and where I want it to go n...

Last week, I was in woest me mode to the Nth degree. I was so sure my creativity was dead and then several people - to include professors, fellows, friends, and family - reassured me that it wasn't dead. In fact, not only was my literary creativity being nurtured to resurrect later, but also my academic creativity was in full swing. I never looked at what I'm doing now, that is being a doctoral student, as something creative because creativity for me was storytelling. Throughout my woest me mode, I talked to God a lot. I kept reassuring him that my whining would cease, that I was going to pull out of this, that I knew this was just a bump in the road and I could always get up from the fall, dust myself off, and keep on, keeping on. I could hear him laugh; he already knew this and more. He wanted me to move from thinking about getting better to actually doing better. I don't think it was a coincidence that I played Mary Mary's song " Get Up " nearly on repea...

I'm a bit bitter these days. A little salty. A smidgen of angry. Why? Because Creativity is dead. Well, at least for me. Why? One word: school. This doctoral program is a full-time job. It can take upwards of 40 hours a week (more once you start researching for papers and projects beyond the required "in class" work) to do all the reading and preparing to be brilliant in the classroom. And it's not a 9 to 5 job where you do work that doesn't tax your mind, therefore, leaving you feeling energetic and refreshed and ready to conquer the world creatively. Oftentimes, in fact, I'm mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and want nothing to do but some mindless activity or sleep (which is a rarity in itself). This is not me complaining, mind you. I accept what is necessary to do. As I've stated numerous times throughout this blog, it was my destiny to be here, and because of my pact with God, I'm in it to win it. That being said, it doe...

Life these days is hectic, fast-paced, blurred, awesome, worrisome...and many, many more adjectives. Since school started on August 27th, I have been chained to words, a plethora of words on philosophy, technology, writing, and all these words swirl in my mind in a harried pace, and most of the time, I am unable to capture the significant points of these words to make meaning. It is a daunting task. At least three times I told myself I wasn't cut out for this, and one time last week, I actually thought about bolting from a classroom as my eyes blurred with pending tears, my heart raced, and my mind whispered, "You're not smart enough to be here." And for the first time since I've moved, I had the ache of loneliness. That day, the day I almost ran from class, packed my bags, and hightailed it out of Lubbock, I got home and realized there were no siblings to crack a joke to make me laugh. There was no hug to chase a frown away. There was no "Come on now. You go...

Did you know there's humility and then there's self-loathing? I used to be one of those people who shunned every nice word from people. They would compliment me, and I would be quick to say something like, "Whatever" or I would laugh off the compliment as if the person was crazy to suggest something nice about me. Why did I do that? A few reasons... I was extremely shy, and I hated any form of attention to be on me. I truly did not know how to respond, and yes, I know all about THANK YOU, but..yeah...I'm weird. I didn't want to take the shine away from God because without him, I cease to be. I wasn't being humble. I was self-loathing. I was not validating the positive traits I possess, traits that God has infused me with and that I have , through the choices I make in this life, enhanced. And despite how badly I have disserviced God and myself, he has still done a very quick work in me and my life. Just recently, I realized how quick God has come to my res...

I got up early. Had two things to do before my 11 a.m. orientation meeting: pick up my permit and get my school ID. I had been told there would be lines galore, so I made sure to get up and out the house so that I could be at University Parking Services at 7:30 when it opened. Everything went according to plan 'til I got in the car and on the road. Somehow, some way, I couldn't find the place and found myself circling one particular area three times before frustration, irritation, and tears came. For all purposes, I'm a new driver and I still get twinges of nervousness when behind the wheel, and being in a new city, a new state just makes matters worse, so in my state of breakdown, I let loose a string of profanity, turned around, and decided to go back home. Screw a parking permit. About three, four blocks from my complex, I saw the sign for the university police and went to ask them where UPS was. When an employee told me the building was right next door (and not called ...

Doubt is that ex-girlfriend of Joy that refuses to go away. Like the devil, it used to be angelic, which is why Joy (like God) loved it, but then negativity and evil began to fester within Doubt, and Joy had to kick it to the curb...much like God did the devil. And like the devil, Doubt likes to rear its ugly head, especially when things seem to be going well and you're, dare I say...happy. This is me today. My brain, for most of my life, has been trained to accept defeat. This is worse than crying and being hurt over it. At least the latter shows emotion. When you're trained to accept defeat, all you do is shrug, say, "Figures," and keep on keeping on. Reconnecting with God in a major way a few years ago and being baptized on August 20, 2007, brought Doubt to my life in a major way because now I had faith, now I had expectancy; I expected great things to happen because I had faith, because I moved in that faith. And the devil hated it. And so did Doubt. Today, f...