Yes. It's been awhile. I've been beyond swamped with the 50-11 things I give myself to do: school, editing, writing, and many more things I'm just too tired to even bring up.
I've wanted to write, really. It's been very cathartic to sit here every Monday and let words rush out of me that reveal my heart and my feelings instead of something that's purely academic. But when you write so much and spend so much time working on other projects, the thought of sitting before the laptop to write one more thing can be the breaking point.
I didn't want to break.
Well, I'm about three weeks away from completing my first year of doctoral work--more on that in later posts. Haven't really taken the time to sit, to reflect, to pat self on back for a job well done yet. Besides, got GRADES still to receive for this semester!
Like I said above, I've been busy--with stuff. Last night at church, the pastor preached a message that struck me right in the center of my chest and made me realize that for all the good I might be doing, I'm still not doing what is better for me...and this may be the reason for all the worry, the stress, the migraines, the health issues I've had this semester.
This isn't a new thing. In fact, earlier on, I talked about losing myself and losing my "religion" for the sake of "the work."
The pastor asked, "Are we distracted by things that may be good within themselves -- our duties as husbands, wives, mothers, daughters, employees, students...getting so caught up in that and not focusing on our true priorities, such as our service to the Lord?"
He talked of three specific passages: Luke 10:38-42, Matthew 10:37, and James 5:11.
In his message, the pastor said that family and work cannot come before the Kingdom of God. When we spend all of our time focused on the cares of this world, we are rendered unfruitful, unprepared for the true tests of our lives. We become worried, stressed out, troubled because we look for the world to help us when the world is in NEED of help itself. What can it do for us?
And these were all things I had heard before, kinda, in various ways, but when the pastor spoke of his wife and daughter, made it personal, it struck more than in previous times.
He said he loved his wife and daughter. He loved what he did. He said loving his wife and daughter and loving what he did were good things. They were pleasing things. But his wife, his daughter, his job were not going to get him into heaven. "They won't get me past first base. The one person that can is my heavenly father."
And as he talked, sparks of truth shot through my body. Shouts of praise from my mouth. My head nodded, and I knew this message was for me.
I do good things. I do pleasing things. I help writers become better writers. I am working on my Ph.D. I write--to entertain, to uplift, to teach. I give to others when I see them in need--even when I don't have enough for self. I do a lot of things that help, not hurt.
But when I stress, worry, grow troubled over whether I'll finish a class project, whether I'll give enough, or edit enough, or jump through all the correct hoops to make it to the end of a journey, I am not focusing on the better thing. I'm not focusing on God and who and what he is for and in my life.
With him, I can do all things. With things, I can do nothing--but stress, worry, and become troubled.
Church, over the last month or two, has been the anchor of my connection to God. I run to church on Sunday like my life depended on it. I've started going to Bible study classes, too. But I know I need to devote more time, more me time, more God and Me time into my life so that I can get straight with him so that I can be straight...and good...actually better with everything else in my life.
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