I do love Chrisette Michele's song, "Epiphany," but I use a line of her song as title because yesterday, something came to me suddenly: an epiphany.
For just a split second, I was sitting at my laptop, having full-blown angst over trying to get my mind, my energy to focus on something, anything, when I got quiet. It was no longer than a minute. But I didn't hear the TV. I wasn't thinking. It was full, complete silence.
And in that one-minute of silence, I heard one sentence: Nothing inspires me.
And I tilted my head to the side, thought about the sentence and said, "That's it."
Since the new year, there has been a change in me. I would argue the "change" started months before this, but I felt its presence strongly after the new year.
But I didn't see it as me being uninspired.
I saw it as issues with me.
I was very depressed in January, and I spent a great deal of time being mad at myself for feeling the way I did. I struggled with thoughts. I struggled with understanding the most basic instructions for an assignment. I struggled in writing assignments. I struggled in having conversations with people. I struggled with thinking creatively. I struggled with ME, in all ways.
February brought less depression, but it didn't alleviate the struggle for me to accomplish any task. In those few instances where I was sparked to act and do something, the feeling was fleeting. I would start a project and then immediately my energy would diminish and nothing would get finished until it had to get finished because of a deadline.
When I heard the sentence - Nothing inspires me - I knew it was true.
There is nothing inside me right now that is urging me, pushing me forward.
Last year, I had so many things.
All the firsts I accomplished were spurred on by one word: independence
Once I got to school, completing coursework was spurred on by my need to succeed and prove I could do it and have my family proud of me.
Writing, though it came slowly, was spurred on by NaNoWriMo. The writing wasn't great, but I was writing, so that was something.
Now, as I move into 2010, I'm looking around me like, "What will inspire me now?"
Honestly, I have to say I have NO idea.
I don't know what that SPARK will be to set me in motion again.
Right now, I'm doing what I normally don't do--whatever will get the job done.
I will say I am using this revelation as a positive.
When I heard Nothing inspires me, I did smile.
Why?
Because now I have a rationale. For awhile, I've been spiraling in this whole What's going on with me mode, and my emotions were running rampant because of it. Now, at least I know the cause of my actions. I can take it and ask myself, "What will inspire me?" And from this question, I can explore what it is I need to restore the parts that are broken and dismantled.
And that's something.
For just a split second, I was sitting at my laptop, having full-blown angst over trying to get my mind, my energy to focus on something, anything, when I got quiet. It was no longer than a minute. But I didn't hear the TV. I wasn't thinking. It was full, complete silence.
And in that one-minute of silence, I heard one sentence: Nothing inspires me.
And I tilted my head to the side, thought about the sentence and said, "That's it."
Since the new year, there has been a change in me. I would argue the "change" started months before this, but I felt its presence strongly after the new year.
But I didn't see it as me being uninspired.
I saw it as issues with me.
I was very depressed in January, and I spent a great deal of time being mad at myself for feeling the way I did. I struggled with thoughts. I struggled with understanding the most basic instructions for an assignment. I struggled in writing assignments. I struggled in having conversations with people. I struggled with thinking creatively. I struggled with ME, in all ways.
February brought less depression, but it didn't alleviate the struggle for me to accomplish any task. In those few instances where I was sparked to act and do something, the feeling was fleeting. I would start a project and then immediately my energy would diminish and nothing would get finished until it had to get finished because of a deadline.
When I heard the sentence - Nothing inspires me - I knew it was true.
There is nothing inside me right now that is urging me, pushing me forward.
Last year, I had so many things.
All the firsts I accomplished were spurred on by one word: independence
Once I got to school, completing coursework was spurred on by my need to succeed and prove I could do it and have my family proud of me.
Writing, though it came slowly, was spurred on by NaNoWriMo. The writing wasn't great, but I was writing, so that was something.
Now, as I move into 2010, I'm looking around me like, "What will inspire me now?"
Honestly, I have to say I have NO idea.
I don't know what that SPARK will be to set me in motion again.
Right now, I'm doing what I normally don't do--whatever will get the job done.
I will say I am using this revelation as a positive.
When I heard Nothing inspires me, I did smile.
Why?
Because now I have a rationale. For awhile, I've been spiraling in this whole What's going on with me mode, and my emotions were running rampant because of it. Now, at least I know the cause of my actions. I can take it and ask myself, "What will inspire me?" And from this question, I can explore what it is I need to restore the parts that are broken and dismantled.
And that's something.
You are so right. Recognizing what is going on emotionally is the first step in changing it.
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