Battling Depression with the Word

Earlier today, I was trying to get up the energy to leave the house and run some errands when my baby bro called. I plopped onto the sofa and chatted with him about his new license and his need for insurance for his new-old car. After the conversation ended, I remained on the sofa, kneeling upon it, arms resting on one of the sofa arms, just being.

Then I saw it.

The bible.

It sat on the end table. Dust laid on its cover. It had been awhile since I had opened it.

Though I felt something jump within me when I saw it, I wasn't sure I wanted to touch it.

I always got this way when I was depressed.

For nearly three weeks, I have been battling depression, and every day, the anxiety and issues that come from it have increased.

I've battled depression most of my life though it wasn't 'til about nine years ago that I was diagnosed with clinical depression (or Major Depressive Disorder, specifically Atypical Depression. I went through three years of psychotherapy and the taking of medication in the early 2000s and learned ways to help keep my head above water without a counselor or medication.

But it always creeps back.

There's always this low level of sadness that exists and a lot of performing on my part so that the world thinks I'm OK.

It gets tiring. And only adds to the depression.

When I saw the bible, I thought about all the frenzied thoughts that have been racing through my mind, all the issues--real and imaginary--that have plagued me over the last several weeks, and how there was still some part of me that wanted this depression to go away because I was still putting up my scriptures, I was still reading the scriptures in my daily planner, I was still offering advice to others and praying for them, I was still--every once in awhile and out of the blue--saying, "God, help me."

There is a constant battle in my head; I call it The Battle over Life and Depression. There is the Shonell that has lived with depression her whole life, who can call up at any time the saddest moments of her life because she wants to revel in the sadness. Besides, it helps her conjure up the future depressive moments that will surely ruin any form of happiness that comes her way. This Shonell can sit, for hours on end, and do nothing but stare blankly and listlessly, barely feeling the cadence of her heartbeat and then "wake up" from her catatonic state hours later, more depressed because time has eluded her and she has even more stuff to do now. This Shonell fears anything that the "Life Shonell" does.

The "Life Shonell" goes to school. She writes. She publishes books. She laughs. She seems to have a personality. She plans for the future. She can actually envision a future in which she might actually be happy and bring goodness to the world.

When these two are doing major battle or when Depressive Shonell invades the body fully, there is no room for God. God means hope, and for Depressive Shonell, that word does not exist.

But Life Shonell waits, waits for that moment when her worse-half takes a nap, looks the other way, and she is able to whisper a "God, help me."

And that brief pause occurred when I saw the bible today.

I wiped my hand along the cover, erasing the dust. I rifled the pages of the bible, never once lifting it to me. I closed my eyes and allowed myself--though I could feel the battle within--to get deep and dark and quiet.

And I stopped rifling.

And I quietly prayed for God to show me something.

And he did.

I opened the bible and came to a discussion on Ezekiel 16:6, and I read Ezekiel 16:6-14, which states:


6 “And when I passed by you and saw you struggling in your own blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ 7 I made you thrive like a plant in the field; and you grew, matured, and became very beautiful. Your breasts were formed, your hair grew, but you were naked and bare.

8 “When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,” says the Lord GOD.

9 “Then I washed you in water; yes, I thoroughly washed off your blood, and I anointed you with oil. 10 I clothed you in embroidered cloth and gave you sandals of badger skin; I clothed you with fine linen and covered you with silk. 11 I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your wrists, and a chain on your neck. 12 And I put a jewel in your nose, earrings in your ears, and a beautiful crown on your head. 13 Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen, silk, and embroidered cloth.

You ate pastry of fine flour, honey, and oil. You were exceedingly beautiful, and succeeded to royalty. 14 Your fame went out among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through My splendor which I had bestowed on you,” says the Lord GOD.


And I cried.

And I smiled.

And I whispered, "Thank you, God."


Today, at least, as I battle Depressive Shonell, I have a better chance of winning because God revealed to me how special and precious I am. And because God brings people in my life like my sister from another mother, my mother, and my daughter-in-spirit -- who all rallied around me last night and helped me get through a dark moment, I know that I can overcome this.