A Moment of Doubt

Doubt is that ex-girlfriend of Joy that refuses to go away. Like the devil, it used to be angelic, which is why Joy (like God) loved it, but then negativity and evil began to fester within Doubt, and Joy had to kick it to the curb...much like God did the devil.

And like the devil, Doubt likes to rear its ugly head, especially when things seem to be going well and you're, dare I say...happy.

This is me today.

My brain, for most of my life, has been trained to accept defeat. This is worse than crying and being hurt over it. At least the latter shows emotion. When you're trained to accept defeat, all you do is shrug, say, "Figures," and keep on keeping on.

Reconnecting with God in a major way a few years ago and being baptized on August 20, 2007, brought Doubt to my life in a major way because now I had faith, now I had expectancy; I expected great things to happen because I had faith, because I moved in that faith.

And the devil hated it.

And so did Doubt.

Today, feeling at least thirty pounds heavier and being awfully emotional (thanks to that monthly...or not-so-monthly assault us women face), I vowed to get work done and set about to do it.

And then Doubt came in.

And it does it in tricky ways. It's not always a phone call riddled with bad news or the loss of a job or the worry of a loss of a job.

Sometimes, it's the whisper of a word, Finances.

Sometimes, it's the whisper of a phrase, Ending of last relationship.

Sometimes, it's the whisper of an entire sentence, You know, it's been a while since you've been a student.

Sometimes, when you keep fighting doubt, it's a banshee scream of poison: You know you're fat and no one will ever really love you, and if they did really love you, then you would find a way to screw it up because you think too much, and it's that thinking too much that's gonna cost you the man, the education, the money, and everything else you want, and then where will you be, huh, where will you be then when all this so-called good stuff is taken away from you. Back with me. No one can love you like I can. Didn't Doubt treat you good? Didn't I keep away pain. Didn't I numb you to it? Didn't I show you it's OK being just OK? Didn't I show you that you didn't need more than just waking up, moving through space, and going to bed? Why would you want more than me? Why would you want to do ALL THAT WORK when you can do barely nothing and have me?

And when Doubt and the devil co-mingle and get to the banshee scream stage and I know that I, as a mere human, cannot battle them alone, I reach for my Bible, I reach for a friend, I reach for a video like the one below so that I can remember that when in doubt, shout it out and keep moving toward my prize.

Doubt's right. It's kinda easy to be "nothing." You don't have to really do anything for it. But anything worth having is worth struggling for.

Which makes me remember something I read in my Woman Thou Art Loosed edition of the Bible; there, T. D. Jakes writes, "God has too much for you to do to waste any more time! Get up, breathe deeply of this moment. There will never be another moment in your life like this one. I can't spare you tears, fears, or trauma; each passion has its cost. In fact, it is the cost that validates the enormity of the passion. It is what you endure that expresses the depth of your desire."

I have deep desires. I have deep passion. I shall expect to endure "deep" tears, fears, and traumas because of it, but I know my end, so I know I will be OK. I'm reaping the harvest God promised me.